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The Pilot
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Episode 1 - The Pilot

Guest Cast

Character Actor
Richard "Freefall" Barnes Paul Hipp
Jackie Martin Marley Shelton
Matthew Ashby John Mese
Carol Ashby Farrah Forke
Emily Brandt Rachel York
Karl Pitzer Hank Stratton
Regina Martin Lisa Robin Kelly
Roger Scott Denny
Tommy Christian Hoff
Mr. Burton James McDaniel

Directed by Michael Dinner
Written by Chris Weitz & Paul Weitz

Summary

    Matt walks into the agency all wet from the rain. Clia says, "you are late." He says he isn't, he doesn't have an appointment, he just stepped in out of the rain. Fisher is in the back and says he'll be there in a moment. Matt looks at a September calendar and the image starts moving, a plane flying over an island with birds around it. He says it's moving and Fisher says no kidding. He offers him coffee and Matt says it's clearing up. Outside it is nice, then when he opens the door it rains again. Fisher says he's looking for a vacation. Matt says he is, but has a travel agent. Fisher says he knows nothing and it ripping him off. The guy goes to leave and Fischer says "Emily Brandt" and Matt stops and asks how he knows the name. He says, "amazing isn't it? Tell me something, are you happily married." Why would he ask that? He tells Clia to type up the standard form and tells Matt, "Mr. Ashby, I'm here to help." He says Emily is the most captivating girl he ever met, hearing her laugh was like watching the sunrise. How much will it cost? He says it all depends. On what? Your host. Fisher puts the form in a tube and sends it off through a long winding tube that leads to Fantasy Island. Roarke is there shaving with a straight razor, he washes his face and hands and goes to the tube. He opens it up, goes to his closet which is full of white suits and finds a black one in the back. He hears a bell ringing outside and says, "Here we go Again."
    A seaplane heads for the island. Cal rings a large bell on a tower with a sledgehammer yelling "The plane!" over and over. Roarke goes out and says, "Quasimoto, would you mind?" The sky gets all cloudy and Roarke snaps his fingers and it clears up. They go to the dock and Roarke says he appreciates the enthusiasm, but one or two rings will do. He asks where Harry is and he appears. He says they got a last minute fantasy from Fisher and he's thinking about putting the new staff member on it. They are surprised. Cal says what are we, chopped liver? Roarke says he looked like chopped liver when he found him and he can sent him back. Cal says no. Roarke says, "Lovely day isn't it?" The plane flies over and Roarke watches. Harry tells Cal he's pushing it and will get them in trouble. Cal says to relax, stress will kill him. Harry says ha ha very funny. Harry says to Roarke, "wonderful suit sir". Roarke says thank you, have the white suits burned, they are a little dated. He says yes sir, then tells Cal to do it. Cal says he doesn't take orders. Harry says it was a request. He has a request for him. Roarke says smiles everyone. Matthew Ashby is a last second arrival. He thinks he married the wrong girl. Cal has been there, Harry doesn't care. Richard "Freefall" Barnes is the other, he likes to cheat death. Jackie Martin is the last one, a promising young law suit and her sister Regina. Jackie wants to prove she's smarter than her sister, she wants to know everything. Harry asks will she?
    Roarke says welcome to Fantasy Island, he's the host, Harry is the hotel concierge, Cal is the bellhop. Tommy says it was a long flight and needs the bathroom. Roarke says it's a long walk and he runs off. Roarke explains they have one condition never to tell, no one would believe them anyway. Rich calls Roarke chief and wants the most extreme vacation, he was promised. Roarke says he's been called many things, but not that and doesn't care why he calls himself Freefall. He says he bungee jumped of the leaning tower of Pisa, broke 5 bones and spent a month in jail, but it was worth it, he has the scars to prove it. Roarke isn't interested  in seeing them and congratulates him on his recent marriage. Rich says he's a lucky guy. Roarke asks wouldn't he rather go be with her. He doesn't. He wants adventure. A ladder appears  and Roarke tells him to hold it. He does and is carried away, it's connected to a helicopter piloted by Cal. He is carried away screaming. Cal then walks by with the bags and says there are only so many places he can be at the same time.
    Later Cal is tending bar and Matt is there. He asks for a cosmopolitan and Cal asks if he's waiting for someone. Yes, how did he know. He doesn't, it's one of the 4 things bartenders ask - the usual? Rough day? How bout those? And waiting for someone? He serves him, then the scene turns back to 1985 as A Flock of Seagulls "I Ran" plays in a club. He's surprised, where is he? Cal says he heard Gary Coleman is there tonight. He sees his younger self with Emily. She tells him Stewart says they can use his place in Aspen this weekend, lets' go. He says no, he's got too much work. Roarke appears, he didn't go, he was a schmuck. She hooked up with Stewart, 4 months later they were married, he wasn't even invited. He always regretted it, if he was just more spontaneous things would've been different. Roarke says they are different. They walk together and are back on the beach Emily appears and calls to him.
    In their room Jackie wants to play a Jeopardy game, but the other three do not, she overrules them though they want to have fun instead of playing this stupid game. She always loses anyway. Regina opens it and asks Jackie "in 1962 The Beatles hit the top of the charts with this song." She doesn't know and they all leave, even her boyfriend Roger goes. She goes to see Roarke saying she thought that when she got there she would know everything. Roarke asks if she is sure she wants this, he finds it painful to know everything. Is she sure of what she is asking. She says she is. He says it's done. He then tests her with a Greek phrase She knows it, on the Temple of Delphi, it means "Know Yourself". She's so happy and is going to destroy Regina. He says an admirable goal. As he recalls she wanted everyone to witness it, and he's got the place.
    Cal is still carrying Rich and tells him if he needs anything to give him a call and cuts him loose. Then a tidal waves swallows him up.
    Matt says Emily looks so incredible. She says he does too and can't believe they ran into each other here and laughs. He says her laughs it's so...she says he's divorced. He says he's married, but having troubles, they took separate vacations. Bad for her good for me Emily says, you've got to live your life, go for it. He says she's so different than Caroline. She kisses him hard, he says wow, Cal says he's one lucky guy. He then freaks when he sees Caroline coming. She asks what is wrong.
    He goes to see Roarke. He says his wife is there. Roarke says what a coincidence. He goes out and isn't happy with the plants, he turns then, Feng Shui. Matt says she probably recognized him. Roarke says he'll put him out of his misery, she can't recognize him. He has Harry give him a mirror and his face is different. How is this possible? It's his island. He tells him to try it out and introduce himself to his wife as Dexter P. Moore. He thinks he's better looking that that. Emily arrives and Roarke says he hopes she's enjoying herself. She thought she scared Matt off. He says no and invites her to dinner.
    Rich is washed up on the beach as Roarke is fishing in his suit with the legs rolled up. He offers him a nice Jaccuzzi on the mainland. He says no way. His wife sent him a message hoping he was safe and sound, which begs the question, why isn't he with her? He says he loves Sharon, but if they spend too much time together they'll get bored of each other. Roarke says he doesn't look at matrimony like an adventure?. Harry arrives with an itinerary that will give him a rush. Matt asks Roarke where did he find this weenie? He tells him in a burning hotel. Day 1 is a marathon on 26 miles of lava flats, skillet hot crusted rock with no shoes. He likes it. Day 2 kayaking down a raging river, Day 3 hang glide to the finish line. If he doesn't finish it in 48 hours, he's a weenie. Roarke shows him his watch, Harry asks for the shoes. He starts running and howls at every hot step.
    Matt is having dinner with Emily and watches Caroline go sit down with a man. He walks over to her, asks if they met. She says no, and introduces himself as Dexter. Then a man arrives, he's Karl Pitzer, had to talk to a patient. Matt knows him, asks if he's the doctor, no, that's a hobby, he's appoint guard for the Knicks. Emily walks over an and asks for an introduction, Matt says she is Wanda Belcher. She says she is? Then Cal comes over with the champagne and asks if they are dining there. Emily says it's a good idea. Matt is stuck.
    Rich puts his feet in some water and sees his wife in the pool. Roarke says he looks like he saw a ghost and he can stop this right now and go home. He says no. Roarke says time is wasting then.
    Jackie is leading her sister and their men into the jungle on a surprise. She goes into a dark, dusty shed as they are getting fed up. They say it's really weird. Then the lights come on, Cal says good they are there, they are on in 5. For what? Then the Jeopardy music plays. They ask what is happening, she says the best vacation ever.
    Harry is the announcer and introduces Mr. Roarke as the man who knows everything. The girls and Roger play and Regina's boyfriend Tommy is out. In the audience is their parents and old teachers. Ariel appears for the first time to read the categories - Estonian Literature, Ancient Plant Life, Quantum Theory, Masters of the "Izza", Bureaucrats of the Chin Dynasty and Famous French Gastronomes. Jackie takes French for $500 its Pate de Foir Goire. She gets it right and Roarke says isn't she brilliant.
    On the beach Emily says Caroline and Carl are a fun couple and meant for each other. Matt gets mad and says she's not meant for that George Clooney wannabe. She laughs and the laugh is starting to get on his nerves. She says let's go snorkeling.
    Rich kayaks over a water fall.
    Now it is the final round of Jeopardy. Jackie can go for the final prize or walk away with $26,000. Roger says to walk. The prize is ultimate knowledge. The first answer is where her parents hid her Christmas presents, the next is how she lost her virginity - in her parents bed with Johnny McPherson. Regina wants it stop and admits she wins, she's smarter, but Jackie keeps going. The final answer is "Your sister Regina." She's not sure, then blurts out "who slept with my fiancé Roger last year in Antigua." She is shocked, doesn't know she knew it. It's correct. She asks how could she do it, you are my sister? Roarke walks over and congratulates her for winning, now she knows everything.
    Rich is on top of a cliff and spots a hang glider nearby. He gets in, suits up, goes over the edge and yells. He's loving it until he hits an updraft and starts to lose it. He goes in low and hits the trees, crashing into the finish line hanging upside down. Roarke claps for him - Bravo! Rich says it was too easy, he wanted to face death, that course is for woosies. Roarke says he has one more test no one every conquered - Death Mountain. It's 1000 feet straight up of sheer ice. He does it and starts climbing, but loses his tool, then loses his handhold and falls to his death. Rich says 15 seconds of freefall without a parachute, incredible. Roarke says a terrible tragedy. He asks what he means. Roarke says he is dead. He's all bloody and he can't believe it. Roarke says he can. He's fallen and can't get up, it's bad for the tourists. Rich says it doesn't even hurt. Of course not, he'll never feel pain again or pleasure, death doesn't hurt, life hurts. It's time Roarke's fantasy. He's often wondered what it would be like to lead a normal life, the same kind of life he's running away from. 
    He's transported away and wakes up in a hospital as doctors are working on his wife. Roarke says the it's the most extreme game of all - the first event: birth. It was painful, a caesarian had to be performed. It takes a real man to go through that with support, of course he's no longer entered in that event. Then he is in a church all alone. He then sees his mom - event two: loss. The loss of your father. He can't believe it. Roarke says how can they overcome, get out of the canyon of despair and lead others out. He's now at a wedding - event three: happiness. He thinks his wife is remarrying, but it's his daughter. To see your daughter grow into a woman, pass the torch to the next, grow older and gain wisdom. Matt wants to go back, he can't miss that. Roarke says those events are too extreme for him, he is a woosie. He wants another chance. Impossible. He says this isn't his fantasy. He wants the most extreme experience on the planet, he wants to live. Roarke says he's now using his head, he has an invitation to the extreme games - life. Is he man enough to accept it? He thinks so, just wants the chance. Roarke says to take it to the max.
    Roarke is in the kitchen testing food, he says the wrap is breaking up. Chef Cal asks what is he supposed to do? Fix it. Matt wants his wife to recognize him. Roarke says impossible. Marcel Proust once said when you live with a woman you'll cease to see all the things you fell in love with her for. The only thing that can change it is jealousy. Matt asks what that means. The power is in his hands to break the spell, not his. He leaves him and Matt sees Carol sitting down to dinner and walks over. He needs to talk. Karl asks if he's feeling good. He tells him to stay out of it. He says he loves her and she's perfect for him, he didn't recognize his own heart, he was stupid and she needs to recognize him. Karl has had enough and gets in his face. Matt says it's his stupid face, she doesn't recognize him. He pushes Karl who decks him and he goes down. She calls out to him and he says you recognize me? She says there never was any spell. This is her fantasy, to have her husband love and appreciate her again.
    That night Harry is leading a band singing 'What a wonderful world" as the patrons dance. Roarke is watching and Emily comes up behind him and morphs into Ariel. He says she did a wonderful job, it's nice to have someone of her talents aboard. It wasn't too hard? She enjoyed it, almost as good as the real thing. They watch Matt and Carol walking and Ariel asks if he misses the desire and the need. He says he's forgotten. She says it's shame, maybe she could refresh his memory some time. He's surprised.
    Jackie is packing and Cal is taking the luggage. Roarke arrives and tells him no tips and makes him give it back and the others. She asks Roarke if he enjoys ruining people's lives. He says no, he finds fantasies like hers unsettling. He says her life isn't ruined, she's gained a great deal of knowledge, the question is what is she going to do with it - carry a chip on her shoulder or find forgiveness? What's it going to be Jackie? Behind her on the balcony is Regina looking toward the sea and Jackie walks over to her.
    On the dock Cal is hauling bags. Roarke thanks Matt for staying with them and to come again. He says no way, normal life is just fine. He says other guess would agree with him. Rich looks at the plane in horror, he's afraid of flying. Then Ariel joins him and Cal comes over and says hey the new guy. He likes that thing she did changing into anyone and says he's always had a thing for Uma Thurman. She says to forget it. He likes hard to get, she says she's impossible. Roarke tells them they did a good job. Cal asks if they are any closer to getting released then. Roarke says a little closer and leaves them.
    Back in his room Roarke fills out a form and sends it to Fisher. He opens the tube, reads it and it bursts into flames. He says dammit, Clia says to watch his language. He then looks up and says I've got one. A black business man is out in the rain. He comes in, says he was making an important cell phone call and it went out, can he used theirs?. He says sure Mr. Burton. How did he know his name? Amazing isn't it? How about coffee? He agrees and Fisher tells him his son thinks he needs a vacation and he's got one for him.

44:30 mins

Review

    Originally I had written short reviews right after the show was on. That is OK, but things need to be seen through the prism of history a bit, so I'm replacing them. Those would be focused more on the excitement of the show finally airing and there is no perspective of things, it's pure emotion. It's impossible to say which episode is the best when you haven't seen them all. Now in 2006 after having years to think about and and watch MM's career unfold I'm able to look at all the episodes as a whole, almost like a long movie.
    They really sold the show here putting in everything they could. They introduce each character and their traits one by one. Fisher leads the front end in a New York City style travel agency. He's basically a grumpy old man with a secret skill - he can read minds. Clia is his old secretary who isn't impressed with him at all and is his foil, she's just there to give him a hard time, most likely Roarke's way to make his life miserable. The show establishes a pattern that goes like this: Fisher seems to be able to make it rain at will forcing the people on the street to duck in for shelter. As soon as they are inside the sun comes out, but if they try to leave it starts raining again. Fisher then greats the person by name taking them off guard and then talks them into taking a vacation, appealing to their innermost fantasy. The are startled into going along, because after all, how could he know this about them? Is it a dream they wonder. The he has Clia fill out a form that travels miles through a magic tube system to Roarke. This seems all for show and fun as we never Roarke turn any request down.
    Then comes the reference to the original series when Roarke always wore white suits. This Roarke opens up his closet to find it full of white suits, but spots a black one in the back to wear. It indicates that this Roarke just arrived on the island out of the blue with no clothes of his own. He has a job to do. Then the bell rings and he says "here we go again." It's a sly way of saying business is back and a reference to the old series, but there's a new host and new stories. Soon after they goof on the original series when Roarke says to burn the white suits as they are dated. We then meet Roarke's two main assistants, who aren't as they seem. They aren't just the bellhop or the concierge, but are go to guys for every job that is needed, especially the roles needed to be filled in individual fantasies. The funny thing is that the word "cal" in the original A Clockwork Orange novel means "crap". It would be a very in joke if the writers knew this. Roarke broadens the mystery by revealing that Cal looked like chopped liver when he found him and Harry was found in a hotel fire. This indicates that both of them might've died and Roarke brought them back to life. While never fully revealed, it's like they are in limbo and doing penance on the island. If they do a good job they are rewarded and set free or given a new start. Roarke also says there is a new employee that neither of them are met. This one, Ariel, isn't introduced until later and he makes no indication how he found her. She is more like a goddess as she has her own powers, than a prisoner like Cal & Harry. Roarke also demonstrates that he isn't just a regular guy by changing the weather with a snap of the fingers. This shows him also as some kind of god.
    The interesting thing about the show is how the fantasies play out. They don't just get what they want, but are done to teach a lesson. Matt thinks he missed the girl of his dreams and married the wrong woman, but he is tricked into realizing he takes his wife for granted. The funny thing is how he was played to think he looked different, but it was really a double fantasy. His wife wanted to get him to love her again. He thought he was there for himself, but he was really there for her fantasy. Besides, it wasn't really Emily, it was Ariel, so he didn't get a true chance to be with Emily, this Emily was made a annoying on purpose to steer him back on the right path.
    Rich also thinks he's there to have the ultimate trip. This is also a trick to get him to realize he's running away from real life. He's an adrenaline junkie. He doesn't get it though as he takes every challenge that Roarke throws at him. Only when he thinks he's dead, does Roarke show him what he missed in life. It's a twist on the story of Scrooge by showing him his life without him and what will happen if he changes. This also shows Roarke's power to bring someone back from the dead and to show the future. It's also a good lesson how life is the ultimate high all by itself, you don't need to search for that next big thing, it'll find you on it's own.
    Jackie's story of wanting to be smarter than her sister also backfires on her. Instead of it being a Twilight Zone type story where the knowledge would overwhelm her and cause her head to explode or make her a target of evil people to exploit her, she learns the secrets of those around her. She wanted all the book and pop culture smarts, but didn't say that, she wanted to know everything, which includes the fact her sister slept with her fiancé. This indicates that she blew it by trying so hard to outdo or one up her sister that her man wound up falling for her.
    We also see that Roarke and Fisher have a a bit of a resentment toward each other. Roarke specifically says Matt was a last minute addition. This seems to both him and though we don't know what he wrote, at the end Roarke sends a paper to Fisher that burns up in his hands and startles him. He gets his revenge.
    Before the series first aired there was worry that it would have enough Malcolm, but there was nothing to fear. He doesn't just set things up, but pushes things along throughout. He is perfect as the dapper, snazzy host, also the dictator boss and pops in with great sarcasm and humor. He makes fun of Cal ringing the bell and also gets a dig at the original series by saying one or two rings is enough. He even takes Cal's tip money, but what would he do with it anyway? What does Roarke do with it though? One of the best scenes is when Roarke hosts Jeopardy on the actual set. He does a great job and it would be great to see him be a game show host. He could do a series show or a sarcastic show like The Weakest Link with ease. He plays all aspects of the role brilliantly and is a joy to watch.
    Ariel is first seen as a dippy Vanna White style hostess on Jeopardy. There is no one like that on the real show though. She then switches to being quite tough to Cal and seductive to Roarke. Madchen is perfect for the role, beautiful and deadly.
    Cal is funny as the Brooklyn street tough, more streetwise than anything else. Harry is great as the prissy butler type. He doesn't like to be called that though and gets insulted when Rich calls him a woosie and is glad to turn it back on him. He even gets dressed up to play the singer at the end, though he is just lip synching. Fisher is great as the pushy host. It ends in a cool way by having the first customer from the second episode entering the agency.
    The show holds up well after 8 years, very well. In fact it's even better than I remember it. Maybe because of how the quality of TV in general has gotten worse. They mix it up by having humorous and serious endings. It's very touching when the twist is revealed on Matt's fantasy and Carol says she just wanted him to appreciate her. It's a place we've all been.  It's even more fun now and I was able to pick up more inside jokes than before. It's a shame it didn't last, I wish they could've moved it to California and slashed the budget in half to have kept it going.

Rating: 10/10

Episode 2 - Superfriends

Guest Cast

Character Actor
Louis Burton James McDaniel
Doug Strickland Michael Buchman Silver
Ari Jascha Washington
Scotty Max Perlich
Rex Raskin James MacDonald
Leila  Dawn Radenbaugh
Gina Williams Alyssa Milano

Directed by Michael Dinner
Written by Edward Kitsis & Adam Horowitz

Summary

    A couple, Gina and Doug, are trying to catch a taxi in the rain and come into the agency. Fisher asks where are they off to this year. Gina asks what is this place. Fisher says a travel office and they go on vacation every year and are looking for the perfect place. How did he know? He's watching an ancient TV and when he hits it a Fantasy Island commercial comes on - call 1 800-Fantasy. Doug says he forgot a date,  has to leave and he's good with whatever she wants and leaves. Fisher tells her they have been friends since college and she is you tired of being just friends. She asks if this is a joke. He says no and asks if she's afraid of telling Doug. She isn't afraid of telling him how she really feels, she's terrified. He says what she needs is a second chance and has to type up the form himself since his secretary is out sick. He sends the form on it's way.
    Roarke is putting on a black tie when the form arrives. He opens the tube and says uggh disgusting, it's got fish eggs on it. He then licks it and likes it.
    Harry and Cal are hauling something and Cal wants him to put muscle into it. Then a garbage truck arrives and Scotty the garbage man exits and he's pissed. He says he's not picking it up any more  bombs or, whatever. He cut his hand on something sharp, he's not taking anything that isn't bagged any more and the recyclables have to be separated. Cal says he doesn't have to take this from a trashman, that's his job. Scotty then leaves it all there. Harry asks what is Roarke going to say when he sees this? Then a plane arrives and they realize they are late.
    On the dock Hal yells, "ding ding the plane" and Roarke says it's a little late. They argue about the trash and Roarke asks if there's problem children? No. Good, I'd hate to give you a time out. Mr. Burton is a businessman who has a strained relationship with his son Max whom he only sees on weekends. Max is obsessed with a video game hero - Dynaman. Gina and Doug are next. Louis says he needs to fax something. 
    He goes to the hotel, but Harry explains cell phones don't work on the island, but he can send a message out in Morse code for him. They have no fax either. He can't believe it and wants a phone.
    Rex comes over to Max who is playing a video game and asks if he passed level 8. He says no. Rex says he needs to use the power ring to get past level 8, that's the key to Dynaman's strength.
    Harry gives Louis an old phone, but it doesn't work. Then his cell phone rings. It's Roarke, he says it has begun, look at your hand. Dynaman's power ring appears on his finger. He asks how is works and Roarke responds, "ask your son."
    Gina and Scott are riding in a golf cart. He takes pictures of everyone and they play a game of trying to pick out what celebrities regular people look like. He says is one is Tom Selleck, she says not even close. Then she says, "look Sting" and it's Roarke. He takes a picture of him, but no head appears on him. 
    At the hotel Leila, another guest, comes over with golf clubs and Gina can't believe she looks like that from playing golf. She comes over to Doug and he's all smitten. Gina says she was flirting. He says yeah, with her he can be bored and reminded of his imperfections.
    Louis asks Max to tell him about Dynaman, but he says he doesn't care. He assures him he wants to know. He says he has a ring with magic powers, he can fly, do all kinds of things, he isn't invincible, he can get hurt. He asks Max if he wants a coconut. He says sure and he uses his eyes to take the tree down. He asks how did he do that, he shows the rings. He says he is Dynaman.
    Roarke is with Arial he wants to put something in the courtyard. Then hedges appear, he says how about and English garden and it appears. Gina arrives with a question. He does too, Sting? He heard that? He hears everything. She wants a magic potion or something. He asks wouldn't it be easier if she just told him her true feelings. She says no, he knows too much about her, if she meets him again for the first time he'll fall in love with her. He says it has begun. She can meet him at the bar, but he won't know who she is.
    At the bar she sends Doug over a drink. She smiles and he walks over. He asks how did she know he likes Skye Vodka with a twist. They introduce themselves, he says that was bold move to send a drink to a stranger. She says he looked like she wanted a woman to make the first move so they could meet each other and not play games. He asks her to dinner and she accepts. Roarke watches from above like they are in a fish tank.
    Harry and Cal argue about the trash again. Cal says he can put it somewhere and Roarke won't send them away because he won't find out. He says people will die to take their trash and gives Harry a phone book. The book is completely empty except for Scotty's ad - they have a problem. Then the book closes itself.
    Max and dad are walking on the beach. Max wants to go swimming when a bunch of scientists arrive lead by Ariel and they say he needs to get to the shelter A meteor is coming toward Earth earlier than they thought - in 6 minutes. Max tells him it's like the game. He needs to fly off and destroy it with his heat vision. He spins around and a uniform appears on him and he takes off.
    Harry and Cal go to the garbage pile that's filled with big statue parts, planes, everything. Harry snaps his fingers, but it doesn't work. He does it again and more garbage appears. He doesn't understand that it works for Roarke. Roarke creates a lawn giraffe in the meantime
    At dinner Gina is dressed up in a sexy skirt and Doug likes it. Then Leila she thanks him for helping her on the golf course. Gina says he didn't play golf, he says he's scratch gofer.
    Roarke has a parrot he talks to. Harry comes to him and asks him for some powers to make some stuff disappear. Roarke asks what is this all about. Just some things he could snap his fingers for. Roarke says that's too much power, he doesn't want him to hurt himself and to get rid of the trash.
    At dinner Cal is the waiter. He serves Doug meat and he says he's a vegan, he wants something else. She can't believe it. He says it's his job. As a sports photographer? No,  he only dabbled in it. He's lawyer for the FDA. You would be a vegan too if you saw what he saw. He explains about his job how one company tried to slip something in and he's bored.
    Louis is too busy being a superhero to pay attention to his son and he wants to make things more efficient. Max asks if they can go sailing tomorrow. He has Arial check his schedule and sees he can fit him in at noon. He loves his job.
    Gina is in bed when the alarm clock goes off. She has to pull the plug to make it stop. Then Roarke comes on the TV asks her how the big date was or does she not kiss and tell. She asks if he's taking to him. He is. She says it's a disaster, what have they done to him? He says it's what she's done to him. The removal of a friend from his life of 10 years changed him. She convinced him to drop out of law school. She says oh no. He says she didn't have to make the first move and now he's taken a shine to her. He's basically the same, she just has to bring it out.
    Harry & Cal are hauling the trash themselves. They come to a fence around the dump where Scotty lives that has a sign 'no dumping'. Cal says that won't stop him and he climbs over the fence. He says there's no one there and to pass the stuff over. Then a dog comes to attack him and he climbs back over in a hurry. Scotty comes out of a trailer and says you can't fool him or use his dump without his permission. Cal threatens him that he's tough with his dog. Scotty walks away and Harry says they should give in.
    Louis arrives for sailing, but he's late from battling at Yosemite. Max says it's too late to use the boat, it left already. He says he'll make it up, tomorrow he'll fly him to Africa. Then his phone rings and he tells them to give him a few minutes and he'll meet him. He's Dynaman, he has responsibilities. He flies off and Max is sad. Rex watches this and his eyes change to red and yellow.
    Cal tells Harry he found a solution and takes him to a shed. He opens it up and it's an opera house. Harry says he can't turn it into a dump. He says Roarke doesn't know about it.
    Max is on the beach alone when Roarke comes up to him and asks if he's been there long. He says he heard he's been there all day. Dad is off saving the world - a lost dog in Tulsa. He's throwing stones and Roarke gives him one, he'll have better luck with it. He throws is and it skips across the ocean.
    Cal works a projector and shows the Three Stooges episode were they are in the army and cough up feathers. Gina and Doug are watching. She laughs, but Doug doesn't like it. After she asks why wasn't it funny to him. He says he saves animals for a living. She says it's absurd, that's why it's funny. He says there are lots of germs on the those feathers and kids are watching it. She says what if you are waiting at a restaurant for two hours and you got a feather in your dinner. He says that's an inside joke that he wasn't part of and wants to go. She says no, look there's John Travolta. He says the guy doesn't look like him. She says that's silly and she knows him. There is a guy inside dying to have fun. He says you don't know me, there's no dream guy inside trying to get out, it's not working out so  let's just be friends.
    Louis returns late to his room and is sorry. He gets swamped at work. Roarke is there waiting for him, it's so hard to find good help these days. He asks him if he has any idea where his son is. He says bad news - his son has been kidnapped. How? By Rex Raskin of course. He doesn't know him. He says that's his arch nemesis. Louis wants Max back. Roarke says he isn't the super hero, Louis is. Don't blame him, he didn't miss Max's 8th birthday, he didn't cancel a rafting trip. He says he couldn't help it. Roarke says he abandoned his son. He says he doesn't. He is spectacular as Dynaman, but inadequate as a father. He wants to find his son. 
    Then they appears somewhere else. Roarke tells him it's Rex's lair, says good hunting and leaves him. He calls out for Max and he's just sitting there in a chair playing. He's having fun and doesn't want to leave. Louis grabs him and says let's go. Rex asks if Max wants to go out and shag some flies. Louis says let's go home. Rex says he is home and he disappears and reappears behind him.
    Gina tells Roarke that Doug is dull, he doesn't laugh at her jokes and she wants the real Doug back. Roarke says there's nothing he can do. She says he dumped her, she tried it didn't work. He says she doesn't have to be friends with him - get out, get some hobbies. She can't imagine him not in her life. She'll have to figure it out then. He spots Harry & Cal hauling garbage and excuses himself.
    Roarke appears in the room with the garbage and burns them. He takes them back to the hotel and shows them a mint. He tells Cal to read it. On one side is Fantasy Island, on the back is Scotty's Mints. On the soap is Scotty. Roarke asks if they see a pattern. Scotty supplies everything. They are not on holiday and should not anger their main supplier. If they don't want to go back to where he found them they'll bag the trash.
    Louis wants Max to come with him and asks what Rex did. All he did was take him hiking and play with him. Louis says he knows he's not a good dad, he's scared of it, but he can change. He asks what Rex does he want. He wants the ring. Max says all this isn't about him. Rex says no, it's the ring. Louis gives him the ring and goes to Max. Rex puts the ring on and lifts Louis in the air and hits him with lightning until he's ready to explode. Louis tells Max to hit the reset button on his game. He does it and Rex disappears. He falls and lands on the beach. Max can't believe he would give up the ring for him. He's his son and he loves him.
    On the dock Harry and Cal blame each other about the trash. Doug and is so happy with the Leila and says she's the greatest thing that's ever happened to him. Gina runs over to him and tells him to wait. She says he can't leave her like this. They were best friends and she dragged him here and messed it up. She loves the man he was and can't tell him since he's gone, so she'll tell him. She says she loves him and kisses him. Then they appear at the bar again like before when she sent the drink over. She looks around confused.  Doug comes over with the drink and says that guy is Travolta. She smiles, reaches over and kisses him on the mouth. He says whoa, what was that. She says there's something she has to tell him.
    Roarke is working on the roses when Leila appears and turns back into Ariel. She says it would be nice to play the girl who actually gets the guy. He says someday since all she wanted was a single rose. He hands it to her and says it's so simple.
    Max and Louis are on a sailboat tying a knot and wearing matching gear. His cell phone rings, it's work, so he throws it overboard. It lands in the bottom of Roarke's fish tank. He pulls it out and stares at it, then tosses it in the trash. Cal and Harry bag up the trash and load it for Scotty who is happy.
    Back at the agency Fisher is playing Dynaman and entering the high score.

50 mins

Review

    This episode has it's first major guest star, Alyssa Milano, who was paying Malcolm back for his turn staring in her film Hugo Pool. We get the first self-parody of the show when they have the Fantasy Island commercial in the agency. I'm not sure about the joke with the fish eggs, maybe it was Fisher playing a joke on Roarke that backfired when he likes the taste of the eggs.
    The first story is someone who wants to be more than just friends. It's another good choice because it's something almost everyone can relate too. You want to at least stay friends, because what if you tell them you want more and they don't, then you'll lose them as a friend and never be lovers.
    Then we get a new employee on the island, Scotty. He is an all purpose handyman. Not only does he take away all the garbage from the fantasies, he also supplies all the items at the hotel. The problem with this story is it makes no sense. We see Roarke can snap his fingers and make anything appear AND disappear. So why would there be any trash pickup needed? It's something obvious the writers missed. Maybe later they realized their mistake because Scotty is never seen again. The other thing that doesn't add up is when they show the pile of garbage there a massive Buddhist statues and a commercial jet plane in the pile. It's not like they could be bagged up or easily hauled away.
    The good thing about watching episodes back to back is that I realized Louis Burton ended the first episode and then is in the second one. He wasn't forgotten. This is very cool and I would've liked them to continue this with each episode, but instead they went for joke endings in all the following episodes. His fantasy isn't really sated, but they make him into his son's favorite superhero so they can bond. Roarke even forces him to interact with his son by making Max tell him about Dynaman. Of course he blows it getting more into the superhero role than the father role.
    On the way to the hotel we get probably the greatest inside joke of the series. Malcolm is compared to Sting a lot in real life, though I don't think they look a like. He makes fun of himself and dismisses the issue at the same time when Gina calls him Sting and he challenges her on it after. Obviously he doesn't agree with her either. Then there is also a mysterious tidbit, Roarke can't be photographed.
    Fisher and Roarke both try to get Gina to just talk to Doug, but she won't do it and that leads to disastrous consequences so in the end she is forced to talk to him anyway. Alyssa looks pretty bad here. Her hair is cut short and she wears this big dopey floppy hat most of the time. Only when she sexes it up does Doug really notice her. She should've dressed like that more if she wanted Doug to pay attention to her as a girlfriend.
    For some reason there is a massive phone book on the island, even though the phones don't work, which we see when Louis wants to make a call. When Cal goes through it only Scotty is listed among the hundreds of blank pages. Why not just have the phone book one page then? Roarke then introduces a parrot he talks to. The parrot has some powers of it's own when it goes after Fisher in a later episode, but that's it. We don't get to learn anything else about the mysterious parrot. We also learn Harry has no powers of his own and goes to Roarke to get finger snapping powers.
    They just sprung Rex on us though. It would've created more tension if Max explained who Rex was in the beginning and then they introduced Rex to us by name so we would've known.
    At the end when Louis tosses the cell phone into the ocean it ends up in Roarke's fish tank. I think they are saying that the whole island is just a miniature version of Roarke's playground.
    This episode was a downer since it was nowhere as good as the first one. At first I felt it meant it would be all downhill from there, but thankfully it wasn't. They just set the bar too high. One problem was there was no emotional story here. They tried, but nothing was really touching. Both stories have happy endings after they both screw up the fantasies. The cool thing is Roarke's explanation of why Doug wasn't what Gina wanted. By them never meeting she took their 10 years of friendship and influence out of his life. She got the Doug who never had her in his life. She thought she would get the same guy she fell for. In the end Ariel isn't given much to do when she's supposed to be the number two character here. She takes the role of Leila, but this character just wasn't needed. Doug falls for her, but Gina screwed up all on her own without Leila's influence. She wasn't going to let him go because Doug was leaving with her. She confessed to him because Doug was leaving without her. This is also the longest episode by far, 6 minutes longer than any other episode. No idea why, but I'm sure ABC wasn't happy that all those commercials were missed. I'm sure when it replayed on the Sci-Fi channel they edited it down heavily.

Rating 7.5/10

Episode 3 - We're Not Worthy

Guest Cast

Character Actor
Pete Collins Jere Burns
Jeanette Kiersten Warren
Beautiful Cindy Elisabeth Rohm
Tom Shinsky Jason Blicker
Cindy Kirkwood Maura Vincent
Leslie Wolf Jocelyn Seagrave
Matt Robb Derringer

Directed by David Jones
Written by Rob DesHotel & Dean Batali 

Summary    

    Pete Collins is thinking about buying the agency. Clia says good, the toilet leaks and the desk squeaks. Fisher says he needs a trip because he's tense. Pete wants something for his wife. Fisher asks if it's for her or to make him happy? Clia says not good ticking off the landlord. Fisher says he's a rich man who married a Vegas showgirl after knowing her only a couple weeks and he wonders if she loves him or his wallet. Clia fills out a form and he sends it on its way. Roarke opens it says "at last, someone who can pay full price."
    They walk out to the plane and Harry is mad Cal messed up the sheets. Roarke says partying with the guests again Cal? When in Rome. Roarke doesn't see their smiles. He says Collins is worth $50 million and Cindy Kirkwood has always wanted to be desired. She wanted FI3 I'm afraid. Harry asks what happened to F1+2? Roarke explains 1 was killed by disdain for paparazzi and 2 was killed by viagara. Cal talks to the pilot Amelia and asks if she got it. She says yes, he asks her not to tell anyone and tells her to watch the wind over New Guinea.
    Pete had a nightmare that Jeanette has left him and is filing for divorce. They got married too fast for him to sing a prenup. She was in Lance Burton's show behind the tiger and looked so good. He needs to know her thoughts, he wants to read her mind. Roarke says it makes him sick. It's invasive, like going through the things in people's medicine chests. Marriage is built on trust. Collins says he doesn't know what it's like to have that much money and if Roarke wants more money he can give it. Roarke says to look into her eyes and he'll know everything.
    Tom Shinsky asks Cindy if they rang the bell for her when she got there. He says it's historic and was around the time of James I in the 1500s. She says that was later in the 1600s. She knows because she's a college history teacher. He makes casts of bells, there's something about them when they ring for the first time. He introduced himself and he wants to know her fantasy. Roarke arrives and explains Harry is leading him to Notre Dame, Paris in the 1880s to ring the bells.
    Roarke says he usually doesn't steer people away from their fantasies, but hers is so common that he won't do it. She says she's never been able to talk her way out of anything because she's not beautiful. She wants to be Leslie Wolf, a cheerleader she went to high school with who is now an internationally known supermodel. Roarke says that looks like fun. She says it's shallow, but she wants to be beautiful for a few days. Roarke says he can do it, but they have to wade through a stream. He says they used to have a conversion pod, but a man got in there with a fly, very messy. She wants it all, outer beauty, not just inner beauty. He says yes, the whole 9 yards and dunks her under the water. She comes out a blonde with a new face, he shows the mirror and she's happy.
    Pete kisses his wife at the bar. She says it's good, he says she makes it easy. She's reading a book on Vegas, but it's all wrong. She says he is used to this, she's not. It's like hitting a million dollar slot. He looks in her eyes and she thinks he looks like a jackass, she could go for a cream cheese sandwich. He says to get a sandwich and she says that's eerie. Then she thinks she wants stationary with Mrs. Pete Collins on it. Roarke arrives, since money is no object he supplies them with an enchanted tour of the sights. She says it sounds like heaven. Roarke thinks good luck you'll need it. She thinks it'll work out perfectly.
    Roarke takes Cindy to the most exclusive club in town. Cal is the doorman letting the people in and Roarke chastises him for having his mustache upside-down. He leads her in to where the beautiful people come to be seen. She says it's a long way for the faculty lounge. Everyone looks at her. She spots Leslie and the guy, Matt,  she is with notices her. She says that's a first and goes over.
    Cal is building something in this room and covers it up when Harry comes in. He asks him what's he doing. Cal says to mind his own business. He takes the cover off and it's a large remote control airplane and he goofs on him. Cal says he won a medal 2 years in a row for building planes. Harry says if he's escaping he needs a bigger one. Cal says he has no imagination.
    Collins is walking on the beach and asks Jeanette what she's thinking. She says it's far from Vegas and reminds her of the time she got locked in the trunk of a car. She was dating Jay from the Excalibur and he had serious debts and they drove them out into the desert, but they let her go. She thinks his eyes are so trusting. He kisses her and she thinks 'a gun in the back when he's not looking.' He is shocked. Roarke washes his fingers and can see them in his bowl. "A penny for you thoughts Mr. Collins."
    At the club a man comes up to Cindy, he is a famous photographer who wants to work with her. She takes his card all happy. Ariel works the bar, brings her a drink and says it's from the gentleman over there. She is startled and goes to the bathroom to check her face. Leslie leaves the table and goes to the bathroom to talk to her. Cindy says they went to school together, but she doesn't remember. Leslie asks if she's a model and to take her advice, get her chin fixed. She goes back to the bar and Matt is there, he doesn't want to use a line and just gives his name. She shakes his hand and he says that was a line. He says he's not really with Leslie so they go out and dance. Harry sings "The most beautiful girl in the world" the country version. Leslie gets mad and storms out. Matt asks  don't they make a beautiful couple. She agrees.
    Cal is out flying his plane, Harry is watching and asks what his destination is. He says to watch. He gets the plane up and when Roarke arrives they get nervous. Roarke says beautiful day, he feels like floating on air and does a jig. Cal goes back to plane as it speeds into a tree.
    The next day Cindy is posing for the photographer in front of a pagoda setting. He takes tons of shots and tells her to change. She walks away and Roarke is there. He says this is for you, handing  her a health club membership - beauty requires maintenance. She hadn't thought about it. He asks if he was right about Matt, she says yes. He says money can't buy love, but cover girl looks can. He then feeds his fishies.
    Jeanette is walking with Pete and says there is no one around for miles. He's nervous. She's thinking 'her bra is too tight - suffocation, he'll be fighting for his life.' He's more nervous. She wants to keep going.
    Then Tom appears in front of Cindy. He startles her. He's all ugly, like Quasimoto from  his Paris bell fantasy. Roarke said it's the only way he could get to the bells. She thinks he must be mad. He says no it's a small price to pay for ringing the bells. The only problem is his shirt chafes and he wants to talk to Roarke about getting a new one. She asks how did he recognize her since she's changed so much. He says it's her voice. She says but that is different too. He says he can hear it.
    Jeanette wants to stop and have some water. She thinks 'he's always thinking of her.' Pete is suspicious and thinks the water is poisoned. He backs up and then falls off a cliff and hurts his leg. She runs down and he doesn't want her to touch him, instead to go get help. She can't believe he wants her to leave him there. He does.
    Back at the club Cindy is the "it" girl. Leslie is at the bar all jealous. Matt says she's getting a zit and looks at a new girl going by. He doesn't know her, yet.
    It's now late at night and Pete is still waiting. He hears something. It's Jeanette, she didn't find anyone, just an axe.
    Back at her room Cindy is getting ready to go out when Tom arrives. He wants to know if the Abbey was finished under Henry VIII. Why? He asks her if she want to go with him. She doesn't and he can't get into the party she is going to. He says he can put a suit on. She says she can't be seen with him. He says she has changed and leaves.
    Cal is trying to fix his plane when Roarke calls him. The night staff is overwhelmed with cleaning dishes, does he mind? He leaves and Harry comes down from his bed to help fix Cal's plane. Ariel is with Roarke and says he's terrible to them, why? It's a theory of his, if things come to easy they'll never learn and those two have a lot to learn.
    The next day Pete is awake and Jeanette is asleep. She wakes up asks how he slept. She thinks 'I'm freezing, I need a windbreaker' then thinks 'ice pick, no definitely an axe.' He says to stop, she'll never get away with it. She says with what, she's going to cut firewood. He says he knows everything - she wants to kill him out there, but they'll know. He's been reading her mind. She says what? He says that's his fantasy. She asks that's why he brought her there? He thought she married him for his money and she was going to cut off her head. She says he's stupid, she's writing a book about Vegas, it's a mobster she was going to kill - that's her way of getting rid of her past. He says she can understand why he did it. She says no, she hopes he makes it back, no she doesn't and leaves him. Then Cal arrives with a stretcher.
    At the club Cindy is going in and Leslie is outside smoking and getting mad. She goes to get back in and Cal won't let her. Leslie asks Cindy if she's happy taking her boyfriend and her job. Cindy says she' s not taking anything, she just wanted her life for a little bit. Leslie says her face is all she's got, now it's worthless. Roarke watches her dropped cigarette, careless. He blows it into a stack of newspapers and starts a fire.
    Roarke goes to Tom. He's sorry the monks have no more room at Westminster, a large influx of pilgrims. He's OK with that. Roarke asks if he smells smoke. He says no. Roarke asks him to come with him there's something he needs to check. The club is on fire and Tom wants to help. There is a panic and people are running everywhere. Cindy falls down the stairs and Tom carries her out. He takes her to the beach and says she's safe now. She thanks him and he kisses her hand.
    Pete is on crutches and goes to sit on an outdoor couch. Roarke asks how the patient is. He says Jeanette is leaving him and he's got to stop her. Roarke says he grants wishes, he doesn't perform miracles. He wanted his wife's love and now he lost it. Pete asks what to do. He says read her mind. He doesn't want to anymore. Roarke says for all his wealth his wife is his real treasure and hopes he wins her back then he hears the bell ringing.
    Tom is ringing the bell with a hammer. He says it's a two tone bell, maybe three. Cindy is watching him and listening and likes it. He says lots of people would want a new bell, but this one is great, worn and cracked. Time stops and Roarke says she still has time, a SI swimsuit cover and a date with a rock star. She isn't interested and will stay right here. Roarke says she has found what she's looking for - the quest for beauty is really the quest for love. Time comes back and she tells Tom to come down so she can show him something.
    Pete comes to Jeanette as she's leaving. She says it's for the best. He realizes how terrible it is what he did. She says it's too late and leaves with Cal in a golf cart.
    Cindy leads Tom to the river where she changed. He asks what it is. She pulls him down and they both come up back to the way they were. He says it's good to see her again. She says her too. He wants to go to lunch and knows a good place. She says she's starving.
    Pete hobbles out to the plane and Roarke gives his condolences. Pete says he'll get her back whatever he has to do. Ariel says another one of his hard earned lessons. Cindy gives Roarke back his health club membership since she has other plans. She's worried about Leslie though. He says she's going in for surgery and in 6 months she'll be back on the cover of Vogue.
    Harry has figures of him and Cal and puts them in Cal's plane, they are ready to soar. He flies it off and Roarke watches with Ariel. Then suddenly the gas starts to run out. Roarke blows on it and sends it far away. Roarke crosses his arms and Harry says Cal did it. Cal says next time for real they can go. Roarke blows again and it goes away.
    Back in the agency Fisher is watching the clock. Then a beauty queen winner comes in the agency. She is surprised and says she doesn't remember why she came in. He says she can go somewhere to relax somewhere she doesn't have to worry how she looks. He says FI4 and Clia types it up.

Review

    The title is a reference to a Wayne's World catch phrase which was big in the mid 90s, but basically forgotten today. So what happened to Pete buying the agency? That was thrown out the window. Roarke says an interesting line about him paying full price. Does this mean they do a lot of charity cases? When he has the power to create what he wants, why would they need money anyway? He also let's us in on another secret - fantasy codes. He explains F1-3 and at the end of the show Fisher mentions F4. These are the only times they are mentioned in the series. Somehow Harry knows about 1+2, but not what they are, so Roarke explains how recent events rendered them useless.
    Another inside joke is that the pilot in this episode is Amelia Airheart. For some reason, she never returns to the island, I guess she didn't return from her flight. It's an OK joke, but since she disappeared 50 years before the setting of the episode, she should be there every week.
    Pete's story comes from a good premise. He wants to know if his wife really loves him like any rich person would. Since he gets into her thoughts in the middle of writing a Vegas crime novel, he completely gets the wrong idea and screws everything up. Of course this is just so Roarke could teach him a lesson on trust.
    Tom's fantasy is a throwaway. He's really there to teach Cindy a lesson. It's interesting that Roarke tries to talk her out of her fantasy. This proves he's not just a sadistic god looking to torture people. He usually gives them a chance to get out of it as time goes on, but this time he refuses up front, though he eventually relents. She gets what she wants and meets a vapid guy and gets a modeling job the first day. The only problem is it makes her stuck up. In the end, beauty is only skin deep and Tom can see right through her new look.
    The Cal & Harry story involves Cal building a remote control plane so they can experience some freedom. It's nothing exciting and Roarke has fun with them in the end as usual. The interesting exchange is when even Ariel feels sorry for them, but Roarke reminds her that they never learn.
    Malcolm isn't in this episode enough, maybe that's why it's not that great. He  leads Cindy to the club, offers her a health club membership, feeds his fish and gets off a couple of sarcastic lines.
Both stories end pretty predictably, but it's well written and filmed. Pete thinks he'll learn the truth, but ends up losing his wife and Cindy falls for the homely guy in real life who loves her for who she is. Ariel has nothing to do either.
    It's a bad sign when each episode goes down in quality, maybe that's why the ratings weren't there. It's too bad because they get better.

Rating: 6/10

Episode 4 - Dying to Dance

Guest Cast

Character Actor
Nathan O'Neil John Ales
Ezra Cross Bill Smitrovich
Pamela Louis Cynthia Geary
Doris Lee Louise Fletcher
Jack Lee F. William Parker
Dr. Koslov Allan Kolman
Dancer Kira Weber 

Directed by Rick Rosenthal
Written by Diane Frolov & Andrew Schneider

Summary

    Nathan O'Neil looks in the agency at a sign for Haunted House Tours. Fisher calls him in to get out of the rain. He comes in and the sun comes out. Fisher asks if he's interested in the afterlife and calls him the poor mans' Stephen King. Clia asks why doesn't he write something nice, he'll have better luck with the girls instead of being home alone every weekend with pot pies and starts typing. He says ever since he had an NDE when he was 8 he's interested in the afterlife. Fisher doesn't agree and says a personal encounter with the afterlife is what they are offering.
    Harry is sorry to Pamela Lewis, her form said Paris in the 20s, but not which century. She went to 1820 instead of 1920, but says the food was good though. Roarke arrives and is sorry she didn't get to swing on the chandeliers with Hemingway. He offers her another week for free, but not another fantasy. Cal them announces the plane. Harry doesn't understand why he's singled out. 
    On the dock Roarke says to Ariel she is lovely as always. Cal says he needs new shoes, they are hell on his feet. Roarke  says he doesn't know what hell is…yet. He explains that Nathan is obsessed with death and wants answers from beyond the grave. Jack Lee arrives with his wife. He wants to pitch the winning game of the Detroit Tigers 1968 world series. Jack gets off the plane in pain and it turns out they have to take his appendix out. Dr. Koslov only speaks Russian so Roarke translates.
    Nathan goes to the bar. Pamela comes over and gives him his order that he always gives at the deli. She's usually behind him in line, he must be from the neighborhood, but she never sees him around. He says he doesn't go out much so he doesn't have to worry about betting bothered. She takes the hint and leaves.
    Roarke takes him to Ezra Cross's house. His story is that he found his mistress in the arms of another. He shot them both, got drunk and hung himself from the chandelier. Nathan says it's all cliché. Roarke guarantees him it's haunted and asks if he's sure he wants to do this and leaves him.
    Harry complains in their room. He's sick of being mistreated by Roarke and wants to write a letter of compliant. Cal says he's a real tough guy, why don't they just leave? Cal then yells at a rat and Harry goofs on him. Cal says he found a boat last month, has been fixing it up and was in the Merchant Marines for four months, he knows where they are. Harry doesn't believe it, the stars change every night, there's no way to know where they are. Cal says they are in the southern hemisphere and could be in Australia in three days.
    Nathan plays the piano, picks up and old bottle and finds a note in it. It reads, "you are not alone" then it burns up. He's shocked. A doorbell rings, he goes to look and a hangman's noose comes down. At the front door is Scotty's Pizza and Nathan says he didn't order. The man says he hears a party and he can't take it back, so Nathan pays for it. He turns around and the party sounds stop. He sits down and a voice says to open the box. Ezra then appears. He says to open the pizza, it's getting cold you fool, he can't do it himself. Nathan says he's a ghost. He opens it and Ezra says he can almost smell it and wants him to eat it. Nathan says he's not hungry. Ezra says he has no body and is starving. He says to eat it, so he can watch. He points out the piece with all the sausage and is in ecstasy.
    Harry and Cal are in the boat and Harry wants to see the look on Roarke's face when he calls for them and he's gone. Cal asks if he's hungry and has food, but no mustard for the sandwich. Harry is upset. He has mayo though. The rats on board ate his cheese then jumps off. Harry says rats leave sinking ships. From above Roarke is watching them in his fishtank. He blows smoke on them and sends a large ocean liner on top of them.
    Nathan is getting full, but Ezra is loving it. When he tells him he can't eat anymore Ezra gets mad and leaves. He comes back and says he wants Nathan's body, not for long, for an evening or two. It's possession, but benign. He's been dead for 100 years and hasn't eaten, drank or touched a woman, how would you feel? Nathan says he brought it on himself, murder/suicide. Ezra says it's just for tourists, he didn't kill anyone. He cuts him a deal, instead of making up the afterlife, he can give him all the answers he needs, the questions that have been plaguing him. He agrees. Roarke watches and says, "let the spirit move him" Then Ezra takes a running leap into Nathan's body.
    Ezra goes to the bar and says the food is heavenly. Ariel is the bartender. He wants a glass of  Frangelica, plus whiskey and rum. She knows it's not Nathan and serves him. He throws them back one at a time. He's not driving, doesn't know how. Pamela arrives and Nathan goes over to her. She can't believe he's talking to her. He says to "forget everything he said before. Tabula rosa - start anew. What a fetching bosom, how about a kiss." She laughs and says he had too much to drink.
    Roarke visits Mr. Lee to see if he's ready to pitch. He tells his wife they can't give him a fantasy, so how about her? She doesn't want anything. Roarke says there are so many possibilities she just needs time to think. She says she has none. Roarke says he wishes there were more people like her, he could take a vacation.
    Outside Ariel says she hasn't seen Harry and Cal since yesterday. Roarke says, "great isn't it?" She says the work isn't getting done. He says he's sure they'll show up.
    Then we see Harry and Cal  stranded on an island bickering. Harry says he should've left him in the hotel fire. Cal says that was his idea and he doesn't know what they are going to do.
    Nathan awakes, goes to the bar and is all hung over. Ariel gives him an aspirin and a hangover drink that tastes awful. She says he should be careful who he lends his body too. He was there, he saw it all and can't believe it. She knows what he means saying, "voyeurism is so unsatisfying." Pamela comes over to him and says he was the life of the party. He says not to take it the wrong way, he wasn't himself. She says too bad, it was a vast improvement.
    Mrs. Lee comes to Roarke. She wants to know if it's too late. He says they'll do their best. She says when they were young they had no time for hobbies. Jack always had two left feet and she wants to dance like Fred & Ginger, she used to watch their movies. Roarke will arrange for lessons.
    Nathan sets up a tape recorder. Ezra says to wait, he wants to go out and court the ladies. He wants to record after what he put him through. What happens when you die? He says a paddlewheel picks you up, you go into a room, sit in red chairs and play cards or chess. Nathan is mad, he was used for nothing. Ezra says he was given the answer before he got off the boat. Nathan walks away, then says to what? He says the answer to the human condition - separation, isolation. Nathan is interested. Then Ezra jumps back into him - he's back.
    Cal wants to start a fire, they are in a shipping lane, someone will see them. He only has one match though. They hear a ship and he lights it and starts a palm frond burning. It flares up, then goes out. Harry yells to do something, then hears a ship and yells they are over there. Cal wants a magnifying glass. Harry yells at him that he couldn't use it, there's no sun! He never wants to see him again. Cal agrees and cuts the island in half - each have a side.
    Nathan is partying. He sees Pamela and wants to talk. She doesn't saying he was his usual hateful self before. He apologizes on his knees and quotes Byron to her, claiming it is his. She knows better. and asks what's his deal, why is he such a jerk in the day? He says around her he's able to reveal his true self. He then gets a pain in his head, Nathan is trying to escape. He gets it under control and says he's been waiting 100 years for her.
    The next day Ariel is giving Doris dancing lessons. Roarke watches wistfully as a piano plays.
    Nathan is mad at Ezra, he stole his body. Ezra says he's letting his body go to waste, someone should use it. Nathan says he seduced Pamela and he has to deal with it. What a problem! Nathan says he used him, suckered him and doesn't know anything about the afterlife. Ezra admits it and says he's wasting his life. All he knows is he's hungry and thirsty. Nathan says all his life he wanted to understand death and he gets a guide that's a glutton with a permanent erection and leaves. 
    He goes to Roarke and yells for him. Roarke says you've got nerve. His ghost is lemon, he wants another one. Roarke says two days ago he didn't think he could get a ghost, now he wants another?  Nathan says he's running around on him and he was to learn from the dead. Roarke says how pathetic, there are no sides, he could introduce him to 100 ghosts, they are all lemons. The good ones move on, the lemons stay. He should feel sorry for Ezra. He was a gifted musician consumed with a desire for passion and ruined. It. Think about it - you have no body and burn for food, drink and sexual desire. That's hell - a terrible itch that can never be scratched. Forever? No, what would be the point, eventually he'll learn and move on, but it's taking a very long time. He needs to have love, harmony and beauty free from the pleasures of the flesh. Roarke goes to Ezra and says Nathan  can help him.
    Cal gets up and reaches for a newspaper that washed up. It's the Sydney Times. Harry wants a section, but it washed up on Cal's side and he won't give him any of it. He wants the crossword puzzle, but Cal refuses. He knows they won't use it. Cal tears it up and throws it to him and they fight. Roarke looks down on them asking if they are having fun, but they have the ball tonight, lots of chairs to set up and he wants them all stripped and revarnished. Harry mocks Cal saying, "he'll never find us, too far away.."
    Nathan goes to Ezra, he's glad to see him. Ezra remembered there are no mosquitoes on the astral plane. Nathan says they are going to a party, all you can eat smorgasbord with incredible women, maybe even Pamela. He's excited, gets inside Nathan, puts a tuxedo on and heads out. When he arrives there is no one there. It's just an empty concert hall with a piano. He walks on stage and sits down. There is a note on the Chopin sheet music 'Play Ezra'. He jumps out of Nathan and is mad, where's the party? Nathan says he didn't play, Ezra can teach him about living, Nathan can teach him about dying. It's time to move on. He's been locked in the house for 100 years with the best piano, but not able to play. Play now through him, he loves music, it was what he should've done. Ezra says he can't. Nathan says he'll play it then, he had some lessons. He plays badly and Ezra freaks out. He tells him to play so Ezra jumps back in and plays beautifully and then his spirit goes up and leaves this side. Roarke watches from outside and smiles. Inside so does Nathan.
    Roarke arrives at the ball and Cal and Harry try to avoid him. Harry goes to Pamela and asks if she wants a twist for her drink and she does. Nathan arrives and Roarke asks if he's looking for a ghost. He says the answers may be here amongst the living, what are the priorities? Roarke says love, harmony and beauty and hands him a box, it is Pam's favorite candy. He walks over to her and she smiles. Roarke goes to Mrs. Lee and apologizes he can't find her a suitable partner and asks if he would do. She says of course and they dance. Then Jack cuts in. He says she never asks for anything for herself and wanted her to have a fantasy, he took a few lessons too. Ariel comes over to Roarke and says it looks like he lost his dance partner. He says, "I don't think so" and takes her hand and leads her onto the floor. Everyone dances happily until only Roarke and Ariel are left.
    Back at the Agency Fisher puts on a record and wants to dance. He demonstrates to Clia and she corrects his steps, progressive sidestep and back. He does it and she says to give it up, he'll never dance like Roarke. Then the door opens and the music stops. 

Review

    This is the FI Halloween episode. The format is a bit different because even though there are two stories and the title is based on the smaller one, the ghost story is really the only story. The other one is basically filler.
    It starts out with a good line about Nathan being the poor mans' Stephen King. I think what they mean is he's a poor version of King, or that he's a poor man. It seems like Pamela was tricked into staying on the island because she knows Nathan. This is why they give her a free week's stay.
    Jack's story is interesting since it is fake. He just wanted his wife to have a fantasy. It is a bit cruel that he fakes surgery. His wife should be mad that she would be so worried about him possibly dying on the operating table in the jungle. She isn't though and doesn't want anything, but agrees to dancing lessons. This ends with a great scene of Roarke and Ariel ballroom dancing the night away.
    Nathan's story is actually very well done. When Pamela comes on to him he says he doesn't want to be bothered. He's more interested in death than life. This makes for an interesting switch - the live guy is more dead than the dead guy. The ghost wants life more than Nathan does. When Ezra takes over his body he is more alive than he ever was. This leads to Pamela being confused about him. She likes him when he's Ezra, but not when he's Nathan. In the middle of this Ariel gets off a line "voyeurism is so unsatisfying" that shows she is lonely playing the role of someone else getting love  instead of getting the love herself.
    The other twist is that the ghost really knows nothing about the afterlife, even though he really is dead. It leads Nathan to complain to Roarke that he gave him a lemon. This leads to an interesting theory that all ghosts are lemons because they don't get the point and won't move on. Very cool idea explaining about the supernatural. Of course the whole thing is to get Nathan to wake up and help out Ezra in the process by getting him to move on. It is a bit touching how Ezra is so consumed with pleasures of the flesh that he won't move on and all he has to do is play the piano and his spirit finally goes up toward the sky.
    The Cal & Harry story is about them trying to escape in a boat Cal found and restored. Of course is all goes wrong since Roarke knows what they are doing and makes them pay for it by stranding them on a tiny island. The funniest part is when a paper washes up on Cal's side and he won't share it. This is basically Abbott & Costello stuff, nothing exciting. The interesting thing is when Harry says the starts change every night lending more mystery to the island's location. 
    There is no sappy ending with Nathan and Pamela hooking up, in fact they don't mention anything about them. Back at the Agency Clia puts down Fisher saying he'll never dance like Roarke. More mystery on how they are linked and can see what Roarke does from where they are. This episode is the best one since the first one and shows the show wasn't a one trick pony and stopped the downhill slide of episodes 2 and 3. I liked how they mixed it up a bit with one long story. 

Rating: 8/10

Episode 5 - Secret Self

Guest Cast

Character Actor
Florence Jenkins Olivia d'Abo
Arnie White John Hawkes
Bob Gardener Markus Flanagan
Trudy Winston Georgia Emelin
Paul Winston Richard McGonagle
Doreen Electra Gailas
Ronnie Jenkins Jordan Mott
Carl  George O'Hanlon

Directed by Stephen Cragg
Written by Mary A. Byrd

Summary

    Fisher looks out the window and says here she comes. Florence Jenkins is in the rain looks in at the ancient TV. Fisher says not much of a view out there, come in. Then she does saying she's usually at home for Ricki Lake and wants to watch. Fisher says he can't believe it. Flo says they are lost, lonely, need to be told what to do and she would tell them what they need. Fisher says Miss Jenkins always has the answer and gives advice to the whole lunch crowd. Clia types up the form and Fisher sends it off. He tells her she'll get to do what she always wanted - give out advice while the whole country watches.
    Cal says Ariel is doing a nice job with the flowers. Harry is mad, that was his old job. Roarke arrives, says it's lovely. Cal says nice touch. Harry fumes. Roarke sends Cal out to ring the bell. Harry is upset and asks was there something wrong with his arrangements. Roarke says not at all. Change is good, new perspectives bring growth,
    Flo arrives and Roarke explains her favorite past time is telling others what to do. Arnie White and his dog Martin in with business people for a corporate retreat. He thinks nice guys finish last and wants to be first this time. Roarke asks if that's what he really wants. He's been at his job 8 years and hasn't gotten ahead or had a women. He's ready to throw away his morals, everyone else around him does it by cheating on their wives and fudging their taxes. Roarke says to just do it then. He can't do it because he feels bad about the other people. Roarke says it's the evolution.
    Ariel comes out and is upset some of her flowers are missing. Cal doesn't know anything about it. Harry messed with them, but takes off before she finds him.
    Roarke takes Arnie to the building where the retreat is. Carl is there, his fierce competitor. He says OMF - other's must fail for you to succeed. He goes to sit with Carl and orders a bloody Mary. Carl asks for a virgin Mary. He doesn't drink and is 2 days away from 5 years sobriety. Arnie asks him if that is his proposal. It is. He's found a way to secure the permits for the coastal commission on the island they are working for. Arnie asks if that Ted to distracts him. He then switches their drinks and says good luck. Carl drinks and says it tastes spicy.
    Flo is getting ready to go on her talk show "Let it Flo" and Ariel is doing her makeup. Flo tells her that her look is intimidating towards men. Roarke rushes in and says 6.5 million people are going to be watching. She's nervous. He says there's no seat for her husband? She says they don't have the same interests. Roarke says she's been training for her whole life, no one is safe from her advice - friends, parents, pregnant teens. Cal is the announcer and calls her out. Roarke tells her to have fun and break a leg. Then there is an upbeat little theme song. Cal cues her and she thanks everyone. Doreen from Wichita Falls in the audience is chosen and Flo goes to talk to her. Doreen says her son in law says she's a buttinsky, but she pays his credit cards. Floe says he is like a child and she's perpetuating an infantile relationship with his mother. Doreen is horrified and Flo is thrilled.
    The first segment is on secrets. Bob is the first guest and now Flo is horrified, she knows him and wants to take a break, but she has to ask his secret. He says he's having sex with his best friends' wife. She runs off to see Roarke. He says she missed her cue, it'll wreak havoc with the local affiliates. She wants Bob out. He says he's been booked for weeks. She says she knows him. That's good. She says he's her lover. Roarke says she'll win an Emmy, get out there, you've got to be professional - first rule is the show must on.
    She goes out saying she's from Akron and there's a large variety of rubber products made there, trying to avoid Bob. He says he's known the guy since Cub Scouts and it's eating him up the guilt. She keeps trying to avoid him. He says at first it was just physical, it was sex 5 times a night every Wednesday, but he fell in love and wants her to choose her husband or him. She doesn't know what to do.
    Arnie is watching nuns play volleyball. Cal says Paul Winston wants to see him. He's sitting with his wife Trudy. He says his Cambria proposal is brilliant, it must've taken a while. Arnie says a year. He's going to be the new vice president with a corner office. Down below Carl is drunk and knocking over a table. Winston's going to have to let him go, it's too bad.
    Flo is trying to get out of the show. She says she's worries about his feelings and runs down to Bob and says he never said she wanted him to leave her husband. He says that's what the crowd wants to hear, they are eating it up and it's great theater. The crowd chants "slut". She says she's not a slut and know the crowd knows it's her and he admits it.
    Arnie is sleeping with a woman and playing with his dog. She says she gets the western sales post, he says sure she earned it. She goes to freshen up and the dog wants to play. He goes outside, throws the ball, but the dog isn't interested now. It barks and runs off. Roarke appears and congratulates him. Arnie says he's not happy. He should be doing more without a conscience like running the company since the boss is an idiot and the girl is a bimbo. He wants Trudy. Roarke says he can get whatever he wants, but has to be resourceful.
    Harry goes to sabotage the flowers. Ariel comes down dressed as Marie Antoinette. She's embarrassed the guillotine didn't go down. Roarke says it didn't cut through last time and he's having it sharpened.
    Arnie is in the bosses room with Cal. The boss returns and asks what he's doing. He's blackmailing him. He has photos of him with another woman and bribing a city counselor. He gives him a gun to take care of it.
    Flo's dad says she came out in a pink tutu at a dance, she always wants to be the center of attention. Mom says Flo's husband Ronnie is there and she doesn't pay attention to him. Bob says it's all about her. Flo says Ronnie only talks about rotisserie baseball. That's her excuse? Bob says he's not cheating on her. Ronnie is waiting in the wings, it'll be good. She walks off, this is not her fantasy, she wants to cancel it. Roarke says this is what she wanted, she spent all her life solving everyone else's problems and doesn't she want to solve her own. She says her life is a shambles and he's making a public spectacle out of it. She's given her cue and Roarke says she has to go out, the networks want her and she's under contract. She doesn't care, says sue her and she goes out the exit, but it leads back on stage.
    Arnie is at Phil's funeral and he apologizes to Trudy and asks is she wants a ride home. He says it must've been horrible, why did he do it? Where did he get the gun? She says there were photographs mailed to her. He says he doesn't want to know. They get in the limo. He says it breaks his heart to see her this way and it would be a privilege to look after her. He's loved her since the day they met, hopefully she'll feel the same and to consider him someone she can trust. He kisses her and then they start making out. Roarke is on the other side watching.
    Harry spots a flower arrangement in the hotel and an old woman is sleeping under them. He grabs some, looks at the woman and it turns into Ariel. She knew it was him, knew he was jealous, but sabotaging her arrangements? He says the lilies are off, if she has to ask she doesn't understand. She asks why. He says they are funereal.
    The next day Arnie goes to Roarke and he asks if he's having second thoughts. He says no, he's loving his life now, he's just having migraines. Roarke says that's part of the process, take a look. He says what the hell are these. Roarke says what the hell indeed. They are his horns, there is only one entity entirely lacking a conscience - the devil. He can call himself Arnie though. The headaches are like teething. He leaves and says he'll call him. Roarke says yes, you do that. Arnie runs into his dog, says he's a mess and it serves him right for running away.
    Flo says to the crowd they don't care about anyone on the stage. It's like a bloodsport, they want to see her crucified. They cheer and she says you want to see her deal with it, she'll deal with it.
    Arnie arrives at his table with two young girls in bikinis. Trudy is there and he has Cal send her away. They have bloody meat for him and he tears into it looking more like Satan than ever. A man comes with payola and Cal handles it. Carl comes over and is now the busboy. Arnie wants to know what he wants. He just wants to congratulate him. Arnie is worried he touched his food and throws him out and tells Cal to fire him. His dinner arrives - a pig's head.
    Ronnie comes out and is surprised to see Flo and Bob. She says she's so sorry and wishes there is some other way to tell him. She says she's having an affair and he can't hear her. She yells it. Roarke is in the booth says he's afraid the show's over and snaps his fingers. The crowd goes away and they are left alone.
    Arnie checks the window bars and says they are a little loose. He wants Cal to fix them and secure the safe. Roarke arrives and Arnie asks how he got in. He says he wants razor wire and anti-personnel mines. Roarke says he can't put in mines. He wants protection from mortar attacks. Roarke says he has enemies, on his rise to the top he stepped over some bodies. He says he can't trust anyone and looks at Cal. Roarke says people in his position like Hitler and Stalin found a way to deal with traitors and disappears. He sends Cal to get all the personal records.
    Harry is on the beach buried up to his neck. He says for Ariel leave him alone. She asks if funerals are painful to him. He says yes, the last one he attended was personal. It's about life, she wouldn't understand, he fought and slugged his way through life and woke up on an island and knew the game was over.
    On a pier Ronnie has his feet in the water. Flo comes to him, she's sorry about the affair, doesn't know why she did it, but does. She can't excuse herself. He says nothing except he knew. It was easier to let it go. Their problems started long before Bob, they hardly know each other. She gave him a weed whacker for Christmas. He has allergies. She says he gave her a gold sweater she would never wear.
    Arnie goes through his employee records and thinks everyone is guilty or hiding something, he wants them all gone. Cal says with everyone gone who will run the company? Arnie gets mad at him, he thinks Cal is gunning for his job. He sets Cal on fire and fires him. He jumps out the window.
Flo is packing and Roarke says she's not happy with the way things worked out. It's easier to deal with everyone else's problems instead of her own. She's headed for divorce. He says people are more complex than she thinks, simple remarks won't cut it, even for the star of Let it Flo.
    Arnie is trying to make a phone call, but thinks the operator is one of them. He throws the phone. The place is burning and he's losing it. He yells for someone to help him. Then his dog comes in with the ball, gives it to him and whines. He cries that Martin came back.
    Roarke watches him from a pond "ah, a tear of regret." Ariel says pay up. He gives her a diamond. She says he always loses that bet. He says no matter how bad they become there's always a drop of human kindness. Arnie apologizes to the dog and they both change back to normal.
    At the plane Flo hands Ronnie a belated Christmas gift. He asks what it is and she says to open it. She says on your wedding day you are so much in love, so beautiful and you think it's never going to change. The box has Aloe Vera crème and baking soda toothpaste. She remembers who he is.
Roarke says to Arnie your color looks better. He says he feels bad about what really happened. Roarke says he shouldn't feel bad about nightmares, they are just bad dreams. He plays with the dog and sends him home.
    Ariel goes back to Harry in the sand. She tells him to get up because she has something to show him. She takes him through the jungle to pick a flower. He doesn't care about flowers. They are gingers, she was told they grew by his grandmother's house in the alps. He says fields of them, but they can't grow in the jungle. She says an old trick - ice on the roots. She tells him not to give up here.
    At the agency they watch Let it Flo. Clia likes it. Fisher says who cares what she thinks, she's not part of the demographic they want 18 to 49.

Review

    It's funny how Fisher has this ancient TV that can get the latest shows. I like how everything in the agency is an antique, but ready for the modern world.
    Flo's story is the only good one here. It's really well done how they make an entire daytime talk show even with it's own dopey little theme song that is perfectly done. Malcolm is great as the TV producer who is ratings hungry working Flo on the floor and from the announcer's booth. Though simple, it's a great story. A woman has no problem telling everyone else in the world the answer to their problems, but she can't deal with her own. It's great how horrified she is when her boyfriend is on the show and she doesn't want to talk to him or deal with what he's saying. Even better is he tells her he's just giving the crowd what they want, he doesn't really mean what he's saying and is just caught up in the madness of the format. He even says something totally unbelievable - that they had sex 5 times a night to get them going. It goes from bad to worse when she screws up and the crowd learns they show is about her. She tries to run off the show, but all doors lead back on stage. It's like the ACO Ludovico technique, everywhere she goes, she's back on stage. It gets even worse when her parents are brought out as guests and talk trash about her. Then the nightmare is complete when her husband is in the soundproof booth. She attacks Roarke for ruining her life and then she goes after the crowd for wanting blood. It was all OK when she was in the crowd, but when it's about her she can't take it. She gets wrapped up in the insanity and decides to play along and is forced to admit to her husband about the affair. Even worse, he already knew about it, but didn't say anything. They never bothered to learn about each other in the first place, but by the end of the show they decide to try to make it work. It's very realistic - you don't know what you got, till it's gone.
    Arnie's story isn't very good. He wants to have no conscience so he can be a fierce competitor, so of course he becomes evil, so evil in fact he becomes the devil. He becomes more and more paranoid and gets rid of everyone. It gets past the point of stupidity when he's served a bloody pigs head for dinner. Of course there can be only one devil, so it was all just a bad dream to teach him a lesson. The weird thing is the ending is a bet between Ariel and Roarke that they always have about this fantasy. Roarke always bets they won't come back, Ariel says they will. Of course they haven't known each other that long, so how often is this going on? It doesn't really work.
    The Cal & Harry story is really about Harry and how he has a thing about flowers because they remind him of his funeral. This leads to a battle with Ariel that he has no chance of winning. At it's face it's not that exciting, but underneath it is a bit sinister. It means he is dead AND remembers his funeral.
    Because one of the stories is weak it really hurts the episode. It also starts a slide of forgetfulness that will increase about the relationships of the staff. There were just put together recently, but they forget this and act like they've been working together for decades. 

Rating 6/10

Episode 6 - Estrogen

Guest Cast

Character Actor
Brenda Liz Vassey
Mary Wilcox Christine Elise
Dave Sullivan Robert Gant
Tamara Stevens Kristin Bauer
Stan Rawlings Stan Cahill 
Friedlander April Grace
Inspector Bill Turkel Larry Drake 

Directed by Gilbert Adler
Written by Randall A. Anderson

Summary

    Fisher looks out at the rain that's been coming down for four days straight. A tube arrives from the island. He opens it, gets cut and Clia laughs. He says Roarke, she asks what did he expect. Fisher is mad Roarke's drinking cocktails with Ariel and he's stuck there with Clia. The door opens and he goes to close it. Inspector Bill Turkel snuck in. He wants all the FI reports and financial records since last time because he has to give Roarke a performance review. Fisher starts to kiss his butt and offers him food and free secretarial services for this visit to Fantasy Island.
    The plane arrives and Roarke says he doesn't remember hearing the bell. Harry runs over and says they have a surprise guest. Roarke knows. Dave Sullivan arrives thinking he won a sweepstakes. Mary Wilcox wants to fulfill her childhood dream of being a war hero. Cal asks how will she do that, she's a girl. Roarke shakes hands with Bill and asks if he had a good trip, it's a long one. He says Fisher was supposed to come with him, but he didn't show up. Roarke says not to worry, he booked him on an alternate carrier. He arrives on the island in one of the message tubes.
    Tamara talks to a flower and Stan Rawlings asks if she's really talking to the flowers. She says she is. Roarke calls him over. He wants to know if she's staying there too. Roarke says he's here for his fantasy. He says he's always wingman, never the leader. Roarke says he heard nothing about aerial combat. He says it's a dating term, he helps his friends score. A snow globe plays music and girls wave at him. He says Dave is married, but the women fall at his feet - he's a slayer. Roarke says he's improving his vocabulary today. Rawlings wants to be just like Dave, he wants to know what to say, what buttons to push. Ariel arrives and Roarke says she specializes in the feminine mystique.
    Mary says her family was in every war going back to the civil war including her grandfather, brother and father. She couldn't join up though, she was lacking one thing - testicles. She wants to be WWII, the last great war. Roarke says Guadalcanal, Pacific Theater 1942, but he had to make one small adjustment. The war starts and she's in an all female unit, so she thinks it's all wrong since women weren't in combat then. A black cigar-chewing Sgt. tells her to get moving.
    Stan goes with Ariel and he doesn't know how to get the knowledge. Ariel gives him an apple, he bites it and turns into a woman. He's shocked. She says she'll call him Brenda. Roarke talks to Dave and says Stan will be gone the rest of trip. He is going on a journey. Dave asks why Stan couldn't just tell him with all these gorgeous woman around - he worries about him. Stan comes over to Roarke who laughs at him and says you look fetching. He wanted to be inside a woman's head so he put him there. He didn't agree to this. Roarke says you said you were game, the only way to learn something, is be something. Imagine how he can use that knowledge for the art of seduction. It's only a few days, it's entirely reversible. You have my word, no more wingman for you.
    Fisher enters Harry's room. He says look at it, this is where Roarke forces him to live? They can't be happy with their employment situation like he is. Their lives could be so much better without you know who. Harry shushes him. Cal says he wants to get rid of Roarke, let him talk. Harry isn't sure. Fisher says to make sure to ruin it for Roarke so Turkel gives him a bad review. Fisher will take over and they are free to leave. Cal is all for it. Harry says it's not that bad. Cal says he's with him.
    Roarke appears to Mary and she's mad. It's not a real battle when everyone is a woman. She wants it to be serious, heroic. He says he had to create a war where she'd be accepted in combat and he assures her the war is quite real and very serious. Then all hell breaks loose. Bullets are fired, bombs hit and the enemy advances. She goes up over the bunker and he gets hit while she's told to look out. She wakes up with a cut on her head and flies on her. She goes over to Friedlander who is a fetal ball. She says they overran them and the company pulled out while she was knocked out. Mary wants to find the unit, but Friedlander wants to stay. She says they'll get captured, let's go.
    Stan is trying to walk in heels, but can't handle it. He goes to the bar and orders a scotch on the rocks. She says hi to Tamara and a man comes over and hits on her, he says was that an airplane or his heart taking off. Tamara says she's a floral specialist and was hoping to meet someone. She hasn't dated in a year. She talks about photosynthesis and men get bored. David brings her a drink and feeds a line that he's sorry there's only one of him for both of them. Stan tries to get rid of him, but Tamara wants him to stay.
    Back in the jungle Mary is leading the to Friedlander. Then a Jap jumps out and throws her to the ground. She fights him and he almost bayonettes her. Friedlander just stands there terrified. Mary is mad at her for not helping.
    Stan gets a message from Tamara. She says Dave asked her to diner and he says not to go. She asks why not. They are both getting their skin waxed and Stan screams. He doesn't know how Tamara handles it. He asks what she sees in Dave. She says he's good looking and listens to her, she can tell. Stan asks what if he's trying to get into her pants. She says maybe, but she can't look at people that bad. Stan says most guys are just looking to score, for a conquest and screams every time they take skin off. The staff asks if they want a bikini wax and Stan is terrified. Tamara says Stan wants one.
    Fisher is inspecting glasses with Bill and says one is chipped, very dangerous. Then Lady Godiva appears and Fisher says she isn't supposed to be there, a serious infraction. Cal serves their food and Bill finds a cockroach in it. Roarke arrives and can't imagine how that got there, the chef is a French graduate.
    Roarke is painting a dog on the beach humming Beethoven's 9th. Stan arrives wanting to be changed back. Roarke says just after he got his legs waxed? He can't believe he saw that and he's interested in Tamara. Roarke says what about his dream of many women. He says he really likes her and Dave is making a move for her. Roarke wants to nibble on her ears. He wants to be changed back and doesn't want to argue. Roarke refuses saying he hasn't learned enough, she's a babe, get used to it. He heads over to the dance floor, breaking his heels. She grabs a guy so she can dance over to Tamara. She says it's a good DJ. Dave says she looks good and wants to walk on the beach. They ditch them and Stans' partner grabs her ass and she yells at him. Stan runs after them.
    He finds Tamara in her room crying. He thinks Dave hurt her. She says no, they just walked on the beach. She was crying over a movie. Stan can't believe it. Tamara tells her to grab popcorn and watch with her on the bed. It's musical, he's grossed out. She says it's not like that. Stan admits it's a pretty song. Tamara asks Stan for some condoms, she didn't think to bring any. He asks why. She's going out with Dave again, doesn't know if she'll sleep with him, but she really likes him. Then Stan cries and she thinks it's the movie.
    Mary says Friedlander wasn't knocked out when they were overrun. She was hiding in her foxhole, she should be shot. She has a chance to be something great and she was hiding. She throws her down.
    Bill is at the bar complaining about a western fantasy because the phone didn't work. Cal gets him a drink. Then a woman comes over to the bar who knows him. Bill says he doesn't remember her. She's Marsha Crandall. He says they were in Heathrow airport together in 1982, they were trapped all night. They were both reading War and Remembrance. She remembers, liked how he got mad over the coffee and she gave him her address, but never heard from him. He says he works so much, he can't keep up with people even though he wants to. Cal takes away the cappuccino because there's a fly in it. Bill doesn't care.
    Mary yells at Friedlander saying she's not a man, she doesn't have what it takes and it's what's inside you that counts, you can do it. Suddenly they are hit and go down. Friedlander is hit in the leg and Mary bandages it up.
    Stan is sitting on the beach and Ariel comes over to ask what's wrong. He says he's going through so many emotions and doesn't know what to do. He wants to slap Dave, but knows he can't get away with it. Ariel says many women go through it. They want to pound the crap out of guys, but have learned to use their minds.
    Stan goes to see Dave. He was surprised she called, but he's ready to go. He wants to talk. Dave says they can talk first. Stan asks why do they treat women like this, they are mothers and sisters. He should be a woman sometime, he'd get a whole different perspective and to keep his hands off Tamara. Dave wants him out. Stan says to stay away or he'll tell Bonnie, his wife. He'll lose everything, messy divorce, the 4000 foot penthouse all of it. Dave agrees to tell her he's married. Stan says no, let her down gently with a little white lie, he's so good at it.
    Mary then hears movement and gets ready to fight, but it's the rest of her platoon. Sarge says they are falling back because the Japs are making a stand, they need everyone they can get. Mary wants to stay with Friedlander, but she says to go, she'll be fine. Mary has a chance to be part of something great, do this. Mary thanks her and leaves.
    Stan and Tamara walk on the beach. She can't believe Dave told her he's going to seminary school. She feels like she was being used. Stan says it's not her, don't change a thing, it's all a game to him to put another notch in his belt, she's beautiful, smart, kind and caring, wait for that right guy. Tamara asks where he is. Stan says he's close and he really wants to introduce him. She says she really likes Brenda and is so glad she met her the one good thing from the trip.
    Bill talks with Marsha and she quizzes him on the locations of Starbucks in certain airports. He knows them all. Fisher runs over to tell him about a William Tell fantasy gone wrong. Bill doesn't care, he's busy.
    Mary comes back to take Friedlander to an aid station. What about the battle she asks? They'll be others.
    Stan tells Ariel he can't tell Tamara, it's wrong since they shared so much. It's best to let her go. Ariel says he still loves her though. She gives him a flower, he eats it, and changes back to a man. She wants to tell him a story of a girl who turned a boy into a lizard. He stayed there afraid and when he did a hawk swept down and ate him. One should never hesitate.
    Bill is filling out the forms and Roarke says he's not leaving so soon. He introduces him Marsha and leaves with her all happy, so Roarke passes the review. so Roarke says to Cal it was a very bad idea. Fisher says one of these days he'll be the one snapping his fingers. so Roarke says doesn't he have a job to do? He gives him a tiny book - the complete works of William Shakespeare - space is limited.
    Mary loads Friedlander on a truck. She admits she used to be like her, she wanted to be a boy, but now she has the guts to be a woman. She tells Mary to give 'em hell, she's her hero. She gets on a jeep and leaves. A civilian pulling a hay cart stops and flees. It suddenly blows up killing Mary. Then we see Roarke putting a flower on her grave. He says despite kemo and radiation therapy the cancer spread. She had a month to live, her real fantasy was not to live a hero, but to die one, which she did by sacrificing her dream, doing a heroic act, listening to her inner self and doing the right thing.
    Stan finally runs into Dave who asks where he's been. Dave says the woman and the place were a major disappointment. Stan says he's not in the game anymore. He spots Tamara and is stunned. Then it starts pouring rain, so he drops his bag, grabs an umbrella and walks over to her. They walk together inside. Roarke snaps his fingers and the rain stops. Ariel says well done. He says you too Marsha. She doesn't understand Bill's fascination with coffee. Where are Cal & Harry? He says learning, always learning. 
    They are on a hill transformed into a goat and pig. Cal asks how long will he make him stay like this. Harry says not to talk to him.
    Meanwhile Fisher is in the tube and Clia won't let him out. She says she'll do it at her discretion.

Review

    I wonder what the form was that Roarke sent in the beginning. It's funny how Fisher is so two-faced in kissing Turkel's butt about getting rid of Roarke because he wants his job. It's weird because Roarke doesn't seem happy about his position. He's trapped on the island and all does is grant fantasies to people who don't really know what they want or what they are getting into.
    Somehow Roarke knows Turkel is on the way, maybe Clia warned him. He gets even with Fisher for setting him up by somehow having the power to get him in message tube and having him sent to the island that way.
    There are two stories - one serious and one that is serious, but takes a comedic route half the time. The first story is about Stan, a guy who doesn't have much luck with the ladies and is always helping his married buddy score. He wants to be the one to score, but bites off more than he can chew because he's turned into a woman to learn what they want. Of course the usual jokes are used like in  the 1991 movie Switch, the original Star Trek Series episode Turnabout Intruder, Big, Freaky Friday or anything that has a sex or age change like he can't walk in high heels, men pay attention to him instantly and doesn't like the idea of a bikini wax. That's not important though. He is tricked into learning he isn't really looking to score with an endless amount of women, but he's really looking for that one great woman. He finds her, but so does his buddy. The fun is watching him try to screw it up for Dave at every turn as he's falling for Tamara, but there's nothing he can do as a woman. In the end he sells Dave down the river by blackmailing him with threats of telling his wife what he's doing and lamenting at how he could treat women so bad when they are our mothers and sisters. They take something that has been done before many times and turned it around to make it something quite good.
    The story about Mary is the real gem and easily the best of the series. It even has a touching twist ending that's as good or better than any Twilight Zone episode. Mary always wanted to be a war hero since every man in her family going back to the civil war was in the army. She wants to be in WWII, since that was the last great war. At first it seems like it will be the opposite of the other story where she would have to become a man to have her fantasy since there were no women in combat then. Instead she's put in an all woman unit which she doesn't accept at first. When the bullets and bombs start flying Roarke assures her it's real. People around her die and she's hit. She takes out all her frustrations about wanting to be a hero on Friedlander because she's a coward. She saves her life twice and is so disgusted with her, but when she's hit Mary treats her. When they finally reunite with her unit she's ready to stay with Friedlander instead of joining the fight. Friedlander tells her it's OK to leave her. She does, but comes back realizing there will be other fights. She leads her to battalion aid making sure she is OK. Now Mary admits she has the courage to be herself and Friedlander tells Mary she's her hero. Soon after she is killed by a civilian trap. Then in a shocking surprise ending, we learn that people can die in their fantasy and die in real life. Not only that, their destiny can truly be changed if they did something great in their fantasy. Mary was dying in real life and now dying a hero in her fantasy she's given a hero's burial in Arlington National Cemetery. Roarke explains her true fantasy was not to live a hero, but to die one. It's one of the most memorable and touching things I've ever seen on TV.
    This time the Cal & Harry story involves Fisher on his first trip to the island where he makes them a deal. If they screw everything up so Roarke gets a bad review and he takes over for him, then he'll set them free. Cal goes for it dragging Harry along who knows better. Of course Roarke sees all and has an ace up his sleeve - Ariel. He has her play a woman who hooked up with Turkel years ago and destroys Fishers plans. Everything looks bad for Roarke until Ariel does her magic and then Turkel couldn't care less about anything that might go wrong on the island. The only thing is they don't say how it ended. Obviously Ariel didn't go with him when he left. Maybe they agreed to meet up later on the mainland. To add insult to injury Roarke sends Fisher back tot he agency in a tube and turns Cal & Harry into farm animals.
    Malcolm throws in a great little Clockwork reference when he's humming Beethoven's 9th on the beach. I love it when he does that. If there was any doubt the series was in trouble, this episode smashed it forever. It's absolutely brilliant and intelligently written. Even knowing how Mary's story ends, it's still touching on repeat viewings and even writing about it here.

Rating: 10/10

Episode 7 - Dreams

Guest Cast

Character Actor
Michael Allen Bradley White
Josh Stevens Nate Richert
Sally Jennifer Garner
Rita Tsai Chin
Rich Baumer Charles Shaughnessy
Laura Hayes Deborah Kellner
Chip Wessern Daniel Dae Kim
Drew Niklaus Lange

Directed by Perry Lang
Written by Vivienne Radkoff

Summary

    Fisher has troubles, looks out the window, then Rita appears. He doesn't understand. She's from the pool to replace Clia. She is Chinese and talks about bad about him in her own language. Michael Allen comes in all wet in a hurry to book a red eye to LA. Fisher says the early bird gets his worm and for Rita to write it up. Mike can't believe they aren't online. Fisher asks if he enjoys his work. He says he does. How long is it since he had a vacation by the sea? Since he was a kid. Fisher says he's long overdue.
    Roarke walks up to Ariel on the porch and says she looks gorgeous, has beautiful dress and is it a special occasion? She says he knows. Cal calls out the plane and Roarke says back to work. She can't believe he forgot. Harry says forgot what? She explodes the chandelier behind them and Harry says it's none of his business.
    They go out to greet the plane and Roarke explains Michael is an ambitious mid level stock market man. One more Wall Street man and he won't be held accountable for his actions. Josh Stevens is 19, but can't see past high school. Mike asks what is the time change here. Then he tries to make a cell phone call, but it doesn't work. Roarke snaps his fingers and it goes in the water. Josh wants to talk to Roarke about details. Then a dolphin appears where his phone went down and he watches it, then a whole pack of dolphins arrives. Sally comes over and says that's why they have a close association with people. He turns and she is gone.
    Josh follows Roarke, he wants a fair shot at an A-list client. Roarke can't believe Mike wants the stock market fantasy, it's so boring, when he has such an affinity with the sea. Mike says that's was a long time ago. Roarke says he arranged a business meeting with Mr. Rich Baumer. He can't believe he's on the island with him. There's an 18 million dollar portfolio to snag and h wants it. Roarke opens the door and there's a party. He smokes a cigar and hands it to Mike. Roarke points Bauer out to him and he's with Chip Wessern. Mike can't believe it either, he's from his firm. Roarke says wanted a fair shot and offers a bottle of 1958 wine to Baumer who says there are only 8 in the world. Roarke says he doesn't need them all. Chip asks what he's doing there. Mike tries to pitch a stock from a small start up firm - Nextek. Chip says it's a dog, don't' listen. Mike says he got in at 15, it'll close at 45. Rich says to get back to him after the bell.
    Roarke talks to Josh who wants to be a journalist, but his FI form is whited out. Josh says he wants to have a better year next year. Roarke pulls out the Round Up 98 yearbook. Josh says that's his. Roarke asks isn't it usual for friends to sign it? He says he hadn't gotten around to it. Roarke says 6 teachers signed it though and he isn't in any group photos. He says he is and points out a massive crowd shot. Roarke looks at it with a magnifying glass and the scene changes to the time of the picture. Josh is busy writing and Drew makes along touchdown pass to win the game. Josh runs out on the field and spots the beautiful Laura heading his way, but she goes to Drew. Josh wants to get an interview for the school paper, but another teammate hits him and says Drew's busy. His fantasy is he doesn't want to spend his senior year like that. Roarke says he's wasting his time, go play on the beach, Harry will lend him his surfboard. Josh finally admits he wants to be the most popular kid in school. Roarke says all you had to do was ask.
    Then Josh is walking down the hall in varsity letter jacket. His buddy says there is a party and he can't believe he's being asked. He says to stop messing with him. He then spots Laura and she kisses him. He asks if she's got he right person. She laughs and says her parents are going out of town tonight.
    Mike is on a bluff over the water. Roarke's words echo in his mind about how the stockbroker fantasy is so boring. He looks, takes off his jacket, then walks down to the beach. Sally pops out of the water and asks if he remembers her. He doesn't know her name. She says people can't pronounce her name in English so just call her Sally. She was born near Australia and invites him to swim, but he doesn't have a suit. She's wearing a dress though, then swims out far and does a high flip through the air. He calls out to her and says that's the most amazing thing he's ever seen. She says her mother taught her. She comes on the land, says she likes him and holds his eyes closed and asks what color is the sky. He says blue, she asks what kind? In her language there is 86 names for blue and she would like to show him her world. He wants to see her again and she says he can. Roarke sips tea on the rocks above and watches.
    Ariel is painting a sign board. Roarke says Celtic Calligraphy, a lost art form. She asks if that's all he ahs to say to her and gives him the brush to finish the board. Cal says the cream is sour. Roarke says to get new cream by calling Scotty. He finishes the board himself at top speed.
    The next day Mike sys Nextek went through the roof, it's at 48, but he's not selling it. Chip says he's not a senior member and it's not protocol. Rich says I can't talk to him so Chip is stuck. Mike has more stocks he wants to tell him about. Rich says he'll look later as Cal drives them off in a gold cart.
    Josh is now the quarterback and throws the winning pass before he's tackled. The crowd has signs with his name on them. His teammates pick him up and hold him in the air. Laura comes out and Drew comes over to him, he's the journalist now.
    Harry says there's a problem with the wine, it's turned. Cal guzzles it and says it's OK. Harry says he's opened 41 bottles and they are bad. Cal says he better tell the boss. Roarke says he smells of vinegar. He says it's the wine, it's all bad. Roarke says he never thought she would get this mad. He explains Ariel's energy and anger are poisoning everything because he thinks she forgot something. Let's hope they can survive the tsunami.
    Mike arrives at the beach and Sally is there. She says he doesn't need the goggles. He says he used to love the sea. She asks if he doesn't anymore. He says he hasn't had time, it's his job. She asks why does he have it then. It was peer pressure at school for him to go to wall street. Sally kisses him, dives away and tickles his feet while he's underwater. He then flips out when he realizes Sally is a dolphin.
    He runs back into the hotel dripping wet and Harry explains about the dress code and says he's dripping on the carpet. Rich comes over and likes Mike's proposal. Mike is all tongue tied and Rich beats him down verbally. He says his use begins and ends with what he can do for him, so listen to him carefully. Then he invites him to a party that night.
    Cal creeps over to Ariel and tells her stop it. She's making Roarke mad and he's making his life a living hell. She blows on him and he flies way. Roarke hears him and says she is really mad.
    Roarke goes to see Josh after he gets Pinacowski trophy that only one student a year gets. Roarke says that's good for his college application. He says he's skipping it and going straight to the pros. What about journalism? He doesn't need it, he's got the arm. Roarke says why wait. Now Josh is the rookie starter for the Philadelphia Eagles and he's married to Laura. He says sweet. Then in the next scene he's arriving to his 10 year high school reunion - 'Welcome to the 90s'. Roarke tells him what it is and Josh goes to talk to everyone and they all blow him off and want nothing to do with him. He asks Roarke why is everyone like that. He takes him back to his first game in the pros. Roarke is in the stands, but the stadium is really empty. Cal brings him a drink. Josh drops back to pass and a big lineman takes him down hard. Josh says they hit hard, he says he can't believe he shook it off as he's sitting next to Roarke. He asks did you Mr. Stevens?
    Harry asks Cal where has he been since he was supposed to rotate the flowers. Cal says he had to swim back, he was blown past the reef. He wants help. Harry says women are prone to acting out their anger.
    Harry has a message for Mike from Sally since she can't write. She wants to see him again and is sorry for any discomfort. Mike says he doesn't want to see her again since he fell in love with her. Harry says that's harsh. What does it mater, she's an evolutionary marvel - it's a fish. Harry says she's not a fish, she's a mammal - we are very close. He asks if Harry wants him have sex with a fish. Harry says there's more to a relationship than sex and it's none of his business. He says he's going to that party and is going to sign Rich as a client. Harry helps him get dressed and leaves.
    Roarke says he knows the meaning of the term body blow. Josh asks what about his career. Roarke says 4 out of 5 rookies are cut the first year, many have career ending injuries. Why dream it when he can live it? Roarke then takes him to his dream house with Laura. It's a dirty shack. He hands him the groceries and leaves. He yells for Roarke and goes inside. He works at a grocery store now and wants Roarke back. Laura is mad at him, she says how many times has she told him not to eat off these plates, they are part of her Ricardo Montalban collection. He can't believe how they are living like this. She says that's what he gets on a supermarket salary. She gets mad again that he forgot the cheese doodles, he's going to lose the job her dad got him and she's going to walk to the reunion. He can't believe it's tonight, she can't believe he forget, it's all he's talked about for the last six months. He's been polishing the trophy, it's his big chance to relive the glory years. She says if he didn't waste all his money on lottery tickets he would have money for viagara so they could have a sex life.
    He's back at the reunion. Drew wanted to see him. He's now a big time writer, he was at the New Yorker, now he's an author. He introduces his wife Jess whom he met at the magazine. Drew says he had a crush on Laura, who didn't, he's a lucky guy. Laura appears and the keys, she wants to go home and is disgusted with him. She has a big biker date she's going to sleep with.
    Chip congratulates Mike, Rich likes the proposal. When they get back he's going to be a VP. Mike hears the dolphin and Rich comes over to talk about the portfolio, but Mike isn't listening. He runs to the water and calls for Sally. She comes to him and they embrace in the water and swim into the sunset.
    Drew gives Josh a ride home and he invites them inside to have a drink. Jess says she'll wait in the car and check on the on the kids. He lives right next to the school stadium. Drew says what a view, what memories and he wanted to be him in high school. He sees he Pinacowski trophy. Josh gets mad and says he only talks about the past and is that because he has nothing now. Drew says he doesn't know that. Josh says it must be a dream for him to see he's a big success and now he's trailer trash. Drew leaves and offers him money if he needs help. Josh flips out, chases him into the rain and tackles him. Roarke watches from a top the goalpost. Josh says it's not fair, why did you do this to me and throws the trophy at him. 
    The trophy turns into a ball is caught for the touchdown and he's back in school as the reporter again. He runs out onto the field and says, "Drew I hear you are skipping college and going straight to the pros." He says that's right. Josh says he's going to write an article and make it his personal mission that he goes to college. The picture freezes and Roarke closes the yearbook where it now resides.
    Mike wakes up on the beach and yells for Sally to wait for him. Roarke appears and calls to him. Mike says she's gone. Roarke says to come with him to show him something. He explains a long time ago he knew a boy who loved the sea, they couldn't keep him out of the water. When he was 10 he promised to be an oceanographer like Jacques Cousteau and shows Mike a scene of him then. Mike can't believe it's him. Roarke says he might've forgotten his promise to the sea, but the sea didn't forget.
    Cal brings Ariel down to Roarke. She asks what does he wants to see her about. Roarke has a band waiting for her and says you thought I forgot. She says her birthday was 4 days ago. He says it wasn't and she goes to leave. He calls to her, "What calendar were you using.?" The lunar one. He says no one has used that in 2000 years. Harry is singing and Roarke says he had them bake the cake of her dreams. She blows out the candles.
    At the agency Fisher says Nextek is up 10 points. If he had invested he would've made a fortune. Rita says so what, you didn't and if you had, what would you do with it? He says that's not the point, he can always dream. Blue chips are where it's at.

Review

    The reason Clia isn't here is because Sylvia Sydney became ill and died 6 months after the series ended. It's funny that her replacement just appears without Fisher knowing anything about it and she doesn't like him either and even better mocks him in a language he can't understand. No one likes Fisher, he's like the Frank Burns of the series and I guess that's why he's doing the job he is.
    Mike's story has been manipulated from the start. Fisher even drops a hint right away asking how long has it been since he vacationed by the sea. He's tricked into the whole fantasy so they can get him back to his roots. Roarke then gets on him about his fantasy being so boring and tries to talk him out of it. When that doesn't work he manipulates Mike into going by the sea having already had Sally appear to him. Everything goes well until Mike learns Sally was a dolphin and he freaks out. This is to be expected, I mean who wouldn't? It doesn't seem the best way to get someone back to the sea, but I guess the mermaid angle had been overdone especially with movies like Splash so they went with a dolphin girl. There's nothing really new or special here. The main difference is he succeeds in his real fantasy and does it in an honest way. He just wanted a fair shot, he didn't ask to cheat or manipulate, he just needed the bosses ear to hear his plan. There are some good lines between Mike, Chip and Rich. Chip wants so bad to keep Mike out of the loop that he says it's not allowed and the boss has to put him in his place. You can't tell him what to do and it's true. Then as Mike is distracted by Sally the boss is really blunt with him. He is only important to him if he is useful. In other words if he can't produce all the time he can be replaced by the next up and coming guy. It's the truth open the cut throat wall street world.
    The other story is more interesting. Though the material isn't original, the results are. Josh is a dork who wants to be popular. Even more he wants to be the star quarterback and get the head cheerleader. It's every high school loser's dream. Roarke gives him what he wants, but has fun destroying him every step of the way. You want to be the star? Fine, but watch how fast and fleeting fame can be. In his first pro game he gets a career ending injury. He didn't see that coming. You want the best looking girl in school? Fine, but she's a bitch and will cheat on you when you can't give her what she wants. He has no money and can't even have sex anymore. Even worse is the guy he used to be is happily married and successful while he turns out to be a loser. It's a great morality play. Be happy with who you are and make the best of it. Don't spend all your time wishing you could be someone you are not because while you think that other person has it all going on, you have no idea what they are like on the inside. Plus if you take that one thing that makes them special away, they have nothing to fall back on. It also has what is easily the most famous line in the series when Laura chides Josh for eating off her collectible Ricardo Montalban plates - the ultimate reference to the original series and at the same time putting it down a little.
    The story about the cast is the first time for Ariel to do something. Unfortunately the story doesn't work. She gets mad that Roarke forgot her birthday. First of all she just met him and they've haven't been together long, so how would he know when her birthday was anyway? Second, how or why would a goddess that is 1000s of years old have a birthday? Why would she care? It's so petty. Of course Roarke knows everything, so that could explain how he did know. He knows all along why she is mad, but let's it go because she's using a 2000 year old calendar to celebrate her birthday. He could've said something to her or Cal & Harry about it in advance. Cal also shows what a Neanderthal he is by guzzling bad wine and not knowing it's bad. When Roarke says he hopes they survive her wrath is doesn't make any sense, it's not like they can die. We've seen Cal & Harry turned into animals and here Cal gets blown across the island, but has no wounds. The whole thing about her using something that hasn't been used for 2000 years doesn't make sense either. She's been clueless for 1000s of years? I guess they needed to come up with an Ariel story and figured it was easiest to shown a scorn woman. At least it has a nice ending where Roarke and her dance, but they've done it before, so it's not even a new ending. 
    It's funny to see how young Jennifer Garner is here. Even though she is 25, she looks like she's 16 and was basically unknown at the time. While Josh's story has a happy ending, Mike's story has no ending. Roarke tells him the sea hasn't forgotten him, but that's it. There is no indication if he is going back to Wall Street or if he going to get a job that has to do with the ocean. Sally leaves him and there is no word if they are going to hook up again. It's weird and unlike the previous episodes. The ending at the agency is great because Ruth tells Fisher off again when he's upset about how he could've made a killing in the market. Who cares, you weren't in it and what would you do with the money anyway? He's trapped in the agency so he doesn't need money. People who talk in what if's are so annoying and it's great she rips him.  There is nothing great or bad about the episode. It's solidly written and acted, but there's no classic story either.

Rating: 7/10

Episode 8 - Handymen

Guest Cast

Character Actor
Ken Hartwell David Newsom
Bridgette Jackson Alexandra Powers
Jerry Potsweiler Ken Campbell
Kay Rose Christine Tucci

Directed by Randy Zisk
Written by Edward Kitsis & Adam Horowitz

Summary

    A man is walking in the pouring rain and gets water in his shoe. He goes in the agency and asks to wash his hands. Fischer finishes his sentence and opens up bowls from the desk. He says he can never be too clean. Fischer says it's a hard job Mr. Hartwell avoiding all these germs. A man bangs on the door to be let in and Fischer says they are closed. He pounds on the door again. Fisher cuts him off, tells him to forget it. The man then bangs again and says he's calling the better business bureau, he's got a complaint about Roarke. Fisher then lets him in. He sends off the tube with the form for Hartwell and an orange complaint form. Roarke opens it says "oh, no, not again" and files it under complaints in the drawer.
    With the Titanic sinking behind her, a girl out of the ocean crying and falls on the beach. She's wearing a blue her heart of the ocean pendant as Celine Dion style music plays. Ariel is in period costume and tells her there's no passenger on the list by the name of Leo. Roarke appears and says having her 16th birthday on the Titanic was a poor choice.
    A plane arrives and they head off to it. Cal watches Ariel's butt when she walks and she says to stick to ringing the bell. He wants to ring her bell. She says not to push it. Harry says he's gone too far. Roarke says Ken Hartwell's fear of germs is his fear of the world. Jerry Potsweiler is there to complain and he blames Roarke for all the misery in his life. He takes a drink and Roarke freezes him and takes his drink, sips it and says um coconut. Roarke says he will deal with him later. Cal asks what should he do with him. Put him on his luggage cart.
    Roarke tells Hartwell the world is his, no germs, then drops his key in a muddy puddle and asks him to get it. He can't, germs and parasites. Roarke says not to worry, he dries the puddle up and makes the key go to his hand. He takes him to his sterile environment. Everything is germ free, covered in latex. He has a TV where he can watch the cook prepare his food. It's a dream come true for him. Roarke says he doesn't get out much. He works at home to minimize his contact with people. Roarke says that's very convenient, he can keep the world at bay, to avoid any messy interpersonal relationships. He says no, it's for health. Roarke says his lack of female contact is for health reasons and unveils the piece de resistance, the park from across from his house, completely sterilized, no bugs, no dirt. It's a complete synthetic environment, even the plants. Roarke says something is missing and makes the birds sing.
    Jerry pounds on Roarke's office door, he wants in so Roarke lets him. He says Mrs. Bettenburg had a dancing fantasy here. She was his fiancé and after she came home she left him. Roarke can't discuss the case and can't imagine why she would leave him. He wants Roarke to think about the lives he destroyed. Roarke says he isn't responsible. She had a good life in Duluth with him at the candy factory. She'll never make it in the big city. Roarke says like he does, building things with his hands, but can't even be a carpenter. He says all the jobs go to minorities. He wants him to bring Debbie back and fix it. He can't do that. What he can do is this. He takes the wall away and it's Victims of FI Support Group where Ariel is the leader.
    Cal is picking up red, white and blue streamers from the beach - he grumbles this happens every time they liberate Paris. Then a woman Kay Rose comes up the beach, she's lost. He says he's never seen her before. She's new. He says he's VP of special operations, doing the job himself. She says was walking along on Lexington going to work at Joey P's, saw lights and appeared here. Serving drinks there or here, what's the difference? Cal knows the place, he used to go there all the time. She has to go and will see him around.
    Ken is sitting on a bench enjoying himself when he hears a noise. A jeep is out of control with Bridgette Jackson driving. She crashes through his bubble. He's mad she destroyed his environment. Then another jeep appears with machine guns blazing. She says to get it or die. He asks why are they shooting. She says they are trying to kill her for the money she has. He wants to go back to the hotel, it has nothing to do with him. She says sorry and keeps racing. She goes off the path, down a hill and says it was so intense, wasn't that amazing? He says she's crazy and asks what's wrong wit her. Roarke watches through a globe, he set it up. She goes through the woods and into the water saying they have to walk from here.
    Cal is in his room asks Harry if he knows how long it's been since he's gotten some. It's been along time, he's known girls like Kay. Harry has a mountain of paperwork, each fantasy gets more and more complicated. Castles need armor, tapestries, lots of work. Harry is suspicious that he is so interested in the paperwork. He wants Harry to requisition a new suit for him to score. No one will notice. He says Roarke will. Cal then knocks over some papers so he can steal some forms.
    In the group Jerry won't listen and speaks out of turn. Ariel tells him to stop and he says he's leaving.
    Ken wants to go back to the hotel, she says it's too late they saw him with her. He tells her his sterile fantasy. She says that's a prison, not a fantasy. He doesn't want to be with Indiana Joan. She gives him a military headset and he calls Roarke. He says for him to pick him up. Roarke says it must be terrible for him. He can't send anyone to pick him up, too far away, too dangerous. He wants Mrs. Jackson's map, but he'll take what he can get when he catches him. Roarke hangs up on him. He says that's not what he signed up for, he should've stayed at home. She's not complaining and didn't ask for him to be there. Her fantasy is to get a lost museum trinket. He can't believe her. She tells him to come along or get lost.
    Cal then gets the new suit. Harry wants him to turn it in. Cal says he signed the paper. Harry is worried, he told him not to and wants no more of it.
    Night falls in the jungle. Ken and Bridgette have a fire and she tries to give him a blanket, but he says it's dirty. She works at the University of Chicago archeology dept. She's never had the opportunity to get into the field. He cracks his neck and is testing for meningitides. She doesn't get him, he's young, healthy, but won't take life by the horns, wants to be in a bubble. He says when you get phobias, can't get rid of them. She says he can work on it.
    Jerry comes to the bar. He wants to see Roarke, but Cal doesn't know where he is. He has a game on TV then a show comes on called "It's not my fault - The Jerry story." It has scenes of his life where anything that happens he says it's not his fault. He's not interested, still wants to see Roarke.
    The next day Bridgette wakes up and tells Ken they have to go. Seconds later the thugs find them and start shooting.
    Cal is dressed up and Kay arrives saying how good he looks. He has a gift for her. It's a diamond necklace with the word Kay. She loves it, says it's nice to find a guy who knows how to treat a lady. He invites her to dinner. But the parrot is watching him.
    Jerry finds Roarke and says he saw the video. Roarke turns him off, tells Harry to take him to his room and then see him, they have to talk.
    Bridgette and Ken hide in the bushes as the thugs go by, then they begin to cross on a rope bridge. She cuts one of the ropes and tells Ken to cut the other rope as she goes out on the bridge. She threatens to toss the treasure. The thugs come to her and say it's not worth dying for. Ken drops the knife into the water, but can't get it because it's muddy water. She yells to him and he finally grabs it and cuts the rope. She jumps away at the last second and lands on him as the bridge falls. She's great, never better, he did a great job, there's hope for him. He says he feels amazing after sticking his hands in filth. He says she did great too. She gives him the map to the resort, but now he doesn't want to go. She's going after the mask.
    Harry goes to Roarke who has the parrot there and says it's lovely to see him. He wanted to commend him on a job brilliantly done and offers him a cigar. He tells him his accounting system is great, he can finally review the forms on a fantasy by fantasy basis. He offers him a nut and says it shows the costs have skyrocketed. Harry says the Spanish Armada was bad and they'll go down this week. Roarke says good, because if they have to start making cuts, he knows where they'll start.
    Ken comes after Bridgette and says she can't live without him. She wants to know if he climbed a mountain before. He hasn't, neither has she. They climb to the top and he lists all the things he touched. They see a gold palace in the distance and he says it's beautiful. They go up to it and she didn't think it was possible upon seeing the mask. She gives him a camera to take her picture with it. She changes her mind and puts the camera on a rock, sets the timer so both of them can be in the picture, then leaves the mask there. He is shocked and asks if she's going to leave it. She just wanted to see it in person. He follows her and thanks her. See says you're welcome. He kisses her.
    A radio plays in Cal's room, now the whole room is completely redone. Harry is shocked. Cal says it's like taking pens. Harry says there's no way he can cover it up. Cal pushes him aside and he passes out.
    Bridgette and Ken get back to the hotel and when she sees Roarke she takes off. Ken wants to do it again and she knows what he means. He says he'll meet her at the restaurant for dinner at 8. That night Ken sits and waits for her. Then Cal comes over to him at 10pm and tells him she's not coming. He doesn't understand. Roarke is watching and says he's sorry Mr. Hartwell.
    Cal picks up Kay in a Cadillac wearing a zoot suit. He says her dad was a thief and stole the stars and put them in her eyes. She says you don't know what a Cadillac does to her, he says he'll find out.
    Ken goes to see Bridgette and doesn't understand why she won't see him. He enters her room anyway to find her in a wheelchair. She says that's her reality. She wants him to just go away. He does.
    Cal comes home with Kay and Harry is there and he kicks him out. Harry says he doesn't realize the trouble he's in. Cal says he's the accountant, working too hard. Harry struggles, but is tossed. She says it's rare to find a man with good taste, he says rarer to find someone who appreciates it. He puts on the radio and leans in to kiss her. Then Kay turns into Ariel. He says it was a joke. She says the last person who did that to her she brought him as close to his dream as possible and left him. She then turns him to stone.
    Roarke is hitting golf balls into the ocean. Jerry runs over, he's had it with him. Roarke says the last thing he needs is him. He goes to grab Roarke and he disappears. Roarke says he's tried to show him what a miserable failure of a human being is. He lives above his parents garage. He says it's not his fault. Roarke says there is something he can do for him. Jerry says not to freeze him again. Roarke says he'll give him what he really wants, no one will have any expectations of him, no responsibilities at all. He turns him back into a baby.
Ken goes to Bridgette on the beach. She says not to feel sorry for her. She has a good life, good friends, but didn't plan on meeting anyone. He says why push him away. She says he doesn't know her, he sees her as Indiana Joan, that's how she wants him to remember her. He says he doesn't want to remember her. He wants to be with her, before he never left his house, she changed him, she took him out in the world. Now he knows his ideal life is being with her.
    Harry says you never listen to me Cal. Roarke calls them on the intercom, he says due to necessary cutbacks they'll be some changes, they can adjust to them. Then the big apartment changes back into a hovel.
    Fisher is typing when a large shadow appears. It's the parrot from the island. Fisher gives in, says he can tell Roarke - no more complaints and he throws the paper he's typing away.

Review

    It's surprising that Fisher is still trying to get Roarke in trouble. I guess he didn't learn his lesson in Episode 6 about not to cross Roarke. He wants nothing to do with a man until he's complaining about Roarke. He goes so far as to actually send the complainer to Fantasy Island in a delusional attempt to think he can pull one over on Roarke again. It's also surprising that Roarke doesn't just throw the complaint form out, but actually has a file for them. There are also a bunch of forms in there already. I wonder why he saves them. Is he required to by a higher power or maybe inspector Turkel?
    The opening shot on the island is a great joke against the most popular film of the time - James Cameron's Titanic. It's a bit dated now, but it's still funny plus Roarke gets off a great line which is really to all the teenage girls of the day who thought it would be great to be on the sinking boat with Dicaprio.
    Cal has either lost his mind or feels he has nothing to lose by being lewd to Ariel. How could he possibly think a fat, classless fool like him could appeal to a goddess like her? Instead of beating the crap out of him, slamming him down or just throwing him across the planet, she comes up with a far more elaborate plan. Throughout the episode she disguises herself as Cal's dream girl and leads him to the point of ecstasy and leaves him there. Plus she gets a bonus when Cal pulls scams to hook himself up with a new place and new clothes and winds up getting himself in trouble with Roarke as well, not to mention becoming Cal in Carbonite at the end. Cal in his zoot suit is one of the goofiest looking things ever, classic. It seems to indicate that maybe he lived in the 20s or 30s. It's one of the best cast stories especially because it has such a surprise ending. Once again we are told someone has to die to wind up there, making it more like a purgatory than paradise. People have to work off their sins before they can move on.
    Poor Harry isn't given much to do except to get used by Cal for his sexual plans. Even his first time being congratulated by Roarke is really just Roarke trying to get him to snitch.
    The story of the complainer is fun. Roarke doesn't deal with him if he doesn't want to and freezes him in place at will. When he feels like dealing with him he puts him in counseling, uses irony, mocks him openly and tries to teach him a lesson about himself. He wants to blame everyone and everything for his problems and never himself. In the end the big baby is turned back into a little baby since that's how he acts. The story isn't bad and is a comical one throughout. It's fun that it shows someone on the island who isn't there for a fantasy. Does he send him back to the real world as a baby or does he stay on FI forever? What happens to his parents? Do they lose a son or is the clock turned back for them? The only thing that would've been better is if it was actually linked to a previous story we've seen. He mentions his fiancé had a dancing fantasy, but the only one we saw was in Episode 4 and that was an older couple. It would've been great to link more episodes together to create a history.
    Ken has probably the lamest fantasy of all time. Maybe only someone with OCD and germphobia would think it was cool. He wants to live in a completely sterile world. Roarke tries to get to the root of it by saying it's his paranoia about having a relationship with a woman that's drove him to this, but he won't listen. The plot twists when we are introduced to someone else that is having a fantasy in progress when Bridgette literally crashes into his life. What's interesting is that she isn't Ariel and while Roarke obviously orchestrated her to crash into him, what happens is real. She wants to go from the university to become a real life Lara Croft. Unlike Indiana Jones, she isn't looking to sell items or bring them to a museum, she just wants to live the adventure. They even have a scene ripped right from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom on the rope bridge. Ken must realize all the nonsense is in his head if he wants to survive in the jungle. This would be a pretty basic, saccharin, predictable and nothing special until the ending. When Bridgette blows Ken off at dinner we have no idea why. Then in the second biggest surprise in the series we learn Roarke's powers on the island are limitless. He can make a cripple walk and even climb and jump like an athlete. This is a powerful scene and even more ironic is Ken goes from being the one who wants to stay in his environment to Bridgette taking the role. They have switched. He is no longer shallow and doesn't care that she is in a chair, he loves her and wants to be with her. She's the one who know doesn't want him in her bubble, preferring him to remember her the way she was. It's very touching and great writing that you don't see coming.
    We learn something new and different about Roarke - he has a spy. It's a parrot that reports back to him. Is it really necessary though since Roarke is all seeing? Then the parrot takes on another role as it leaves the island and goes to put a stop to Fisher's complaints. Here is it more of  muscleman appearing as Godzilla like character with a huge shadow and Fisher sure is afraid of it leading us to believe they have met before.

Rating: 9/10

Episode 9 - Wishboned

Guest Cast

Character Actor
Michael Wilkinson Kadeem Hardison
Ashley Gable Megan Ward
Catherine Elise Neal 
Joe John Ducey
Mr. Gable Sam Anderson
Kristin Lilli Birdsell
Mrs. Gable Ann Bronston
Freddy Knox Paul Carafotes

Directed by Deran Sarafian
Written by Rob DesHotel & Dean Batali

Summary

    A black man, Michael Wilson, comes in out of the rain. He dries his umbrella off, then it's sunny outside. He says he was looking for…Fischer says the candy store, it closed 14 years ago. He used to blow half his lunch money on …Candy buttons. He pulls it out his drawer. He says to save some for the plane. He's wanted to get away since his wife left him. What is this? He says whatever he wants. An escape to simpler times, no divorce proceedings or employees. He gives him a pamphlet titled, "The Land of Skoss." He says that was something he made up when he was a kid. Fisher says when he had no worries, but not anymore.
    On the island there are a bunch of turkeys on the lawn. Harry says to be careful. Cal sees juicy drumsticks for the holidays. Ariel says she brought them there for sanctuary. Roarke says they are their guests. Harry says to put a nibblet on their pillow. Roarke greets Ashley & Joe. She's about to introduce him to her family. Michael Wilson is on the way as a stopover to a place he hasn't been in 20 years. Freddy Knox grabs a drink and slaps the girls' butt. Ariel asks who that is. He says he has his papers in the office.
    Thursday 11/27/97, Ashley's home video of last Thanksgiving. She shows it to Joe and Roarke to show why every boy she brought home ran away screaming. Mom offers flat cola, dad talks about the joys of farming, her sister annoys and brother video tapes. Roarke says all families have their little idiosyncrasies. She says Joes' family all goes away together, they are perfect. Her fantasy is to have the perfect family. Roarke says it's boring, but they'll be. He'll set her up in the beach house and her family will be just as she requested.
Cal is dressed as the scarecrow and hates his job. Roarke says it takes a beautiful gardener to make a beautiful garden and comes to see Ariel about the third guest. He hands her a bottle, she knows he hates them. The guy has an "I Dream of Jeannie" fantasy. She says she won't call him master.
    Cal has a wishbone fantasy. Harry says you Americans. Cal says he doesn't know what that means, but is glad we kicked their redcoat butts out of the US.
    Joe grabs a corsage Ashley and they go to the see the family. Mom says they were out running and she made them lemonade. She is shocked and can't believe how good Kristen looks. She wants to borrow Ashley's sweater. Mom stayed up to make chocolates. Dad says it's time for charades, so hurry up.
    Roarke takes Mike to Skoss. He says it doesn't exist, he made it up. Then what better place to run from his problems? Then the sky changes and there are large mushrooms and midgets. Roarke pulls out a long ladle and spoons it out some liquid. It's root beer. Mike can't believe it, what else would be in root beer pond? He says then it must be chocolate tree and over there and the magic well. Roarke says things aren't always as you imagine. The well is poisoned from the ogre's waste. Mike doesn't remember the ogre. Roarke shows him a picture of the princess. He used to save her and she wants to see him. The ogre took over the palace for Ogre, Inc. where he has the ogre shopping network. They go in and the princess is stuck answering the phones. Mike is surprised she looks better than before, but what is she doing here? Where else would she be, that's the ogre's wife. She answers the phone, "OSN where you must be satisfied, please hold" over and over. He goes to her and says it's Mike. She's glad to see him. Then the voice of the ogre comes over the intercom, he's monitoring her calls and wants to come to see what's going on. Roarke has a mace and says he paid twice as much for one last week. He wants a deal on a dozen.
    Cal is feeding the turkeys and Ariel comes over to see what he's doing. He says he's feeding him. She says he's making him fat. He says he belongs on the plate. She sys if he lays one hand on any turkey he'll be on the platter.
    Freddy is on the beach with the metal detector looking for the bottle with Harry, but he's getting bored. So Harry tells him where to look and he finds it. He opens it up and Ariel the Genie appears. She asks if he wants something. He says she talks back, genies can't do that. She asks for his three wishes and get it over with. He says that's now how she's supposed to do it. She says your wish is my command. He wants six adoring females who'll fulfill his every desire. She says that's original and grants it sending six dogs over to him.
    Mike goes home with Catherine. He asks how she got into this. She says what could she do, he stopped coming along. The ogre used to be a good guy, now she's more of a prisoner than a wife. She says he shows up at the right time. Remember the last time he saved her? She says he was 16, it's good to see you.
    Ashley and the family are playing croquet. Everything is picture perfect and Ashley is horrified. Joe makes a great shot and Kristen says he'll have to show her his grip. Ashley goes to see Roarke. She says they are not themselves, how does he do it? Roarke says it's a trade secret. Are they drugged? No, it's a drug free zone, even the cigars are fake. She says mom is sowing, dad is a republican, everything is perfect. He's carving out a pumpkin and asks Mrs. Gable if she likes pumpkin pie.
    On the beach he says when he asked for six adoring females that wasn't what he had in mind. Then he asks for 5, 10, no 50 million bucks. She says as you desire and then pulls an umbrella. Pennies rain from the sky all around him.
    Ashley's family is making dinner with Joe, he says to fill his shell - he's an empty shell of a man. Ashley says they were supposed to go windsurfing. He says he forgot, he was having so much fun, it's like his family. She says to come with her and mom says she's grumpy. She has to pry him away.
    Cathy says the ogre is coming home and he says to run away with him. She says she can't, there is no way. He pulls a sword off the wall and says while he sleeps he'll kill him. The sword turns into a razor and Roarke is shaving. He says, "Here's to fairy tale endings."
Mike is in the woods that night with the sword. He hears a noise and it's the giant ogre in a hammock. The ogre is Mike's twine. He tells the midgets to bring Mike to him and laughs.
    Ashley runs past the turkeys and finds Kristen giving Joe a rub down on the beach. He says they were just talking about her. He has a margarita and Ashley says he doesn't like margaritas. He told her that was before. Ashley pushes her away and Kristen laughs like crazy. She takes over rubbing him down.
    Cal is sharpening an axe like a madman.
    Mike is in the dungeon stuck in a rack. Ogre Mike says he'll slice him thin and eat him. Mike says he can't do that, they look the same. He says they do not.
    Roarke goes to see Ariel. She's standing on her head meditating. He says Mr. Knox is complaining. She says he's blocking her focal point and gets in all these crazy positions. He says she has to honor the spirit of the request. She says he needs to be more specific. He says to give him what he wants, she relents.
    The ogre says it's too late.
    Ashley is mad at Joe for what he did. He says it was no big deal. She says they are having an argument. He says his family doesn't do that, neither does hers. She says he doesn't know them. He says she doesn't appreciate them. Then dad arrives for a run and Joe leaves.
Cathy arrives to free Mike. He asks if she noticed he looks the same as the ogre. She didn't, but then admits maybe that's why she fell for him. She frees him and they take off.
    Mom brings out a massive turkey. Dad says it looks so good, he can't wait to gobble it up. Joe says you got me. Dad says before he cuts, let's join hands. Ashley doesn't, says nothing is wrong, it's all perfect. Dad wants to pray. Ashley says he's an atheist, he says they have a lot to be thankful for. Ashley says to look at them, charades, pie, she wants to go and wants Joe to leave with him. They are all happy and Joe says he loves it there and she's falling in love with her sister. The brother is so happy for Kris. They want him to treat her well. Joe agrees. Dad cries. Ashley yells at them that Joe said he loves her. Joe loves her laugh. Ashley flips. Kris says she forgot the yams and they all laugh. She says you steal my boyfriend and then make yams. Kris says I feel your pain. Then Ashley throws Kris across the kitchen. She starts flipping out and her eye pops out revealing she's a robot. They all come over and start malfunctioning. Joe asks what's happening to them.
    Ashley runs to Roarke and says you gave me a family of robots, what were you thinking? No, what were you thinking, you wanted impossible perfection he explains You were afraid to deal with reality. How else did you think he could do it? Diversity is what we have. Her relationship is ruined, Joe fell for her robot sister, how will she get him back? Roarke says the real question is why would you want him?
    Mike and Cathy run from the ogre. She says the ogre probably thinks their relationship is fine and he doesn't realize what a monster he's become.
    Cal is in camouflage stalking a turkey. Then the turkey talks, says to swing the axe, it's his destiny. Cal says they aren't supposed to talk. He says they are both turkeys. Cal can't do it now and leaves him.
    Freddy is bagging up his pennies and Ariel appears again calling him master. He wants what Roarke has. She says that's powerful, maybe next time. He wants the power to make wishes come true so she turns him into a genie and puts him in the bottle. He doesn't want it, says the carpeting looks like his mother's house in there.
    Then the ogre calls and says he loves her. Cathy can't remember the last time he said that. She says he's not running out on him again. Mike says he's not, if she stays with the ogre, she'll be with him. The ogre is him. He didn't talk to his wife for two years before she left him. He can change, so can the ogre, just give him a chance, she'll find the man she loved under there and he leaves.
    Roarke closes the fairy tale book. Mike asks if they'll make it. You mean happily ever after? With hard work anything is possible.
    Joe is fondling Kristen's robot hand. Ashley asks him what he's doing. It's something to remember her by. She says she wasn't real. He says she was everything he wanted, she was perfect. Ashley says she's not. She tells him goodbye and he leaves. Roarke arrives and says you gotta hand it to him, they make a fine couple. She thought it was the one. He says say goodbye to your perfect family as they are carrying them away. She wants pumpkin pie. He says there is one piece left, but he has a better idea and takes her to her real family. There is no gravy, dad says why don't they steal some from the native Americans. Kris says she has no boyfriend again this year. Ashley says it's good to see them. The turkey is on fire and dad puts it out with a fire extinguisher.
    Cal and Harry are eating. Cal says chestnut stuffing, potatoes, cranberries and bread. Harry asks where is the turkey and what do they have to be thankful for? Hal says he's thinking.
    Roarke says he didn't see Knox get on the plane and asks Ariel if he got what he asked for. She says he got what he wanted.
    Fischer talks to an Indian chief. He says it's all settled, they'll land somewhere else, the Mayflower will never touch down in America and the chief leaves happy.

Review

    This is the Thanksgiving episode. It's also the first one with three stories since the pilot episode. One story and the cast story revolve around the holiday. Mike's story seems like just an escapist fantasy to simpler times when he was a kid with no responsibilities, but it's much deeper. Instead of him just creating a fantasy world in his head it seems the world actually existed in another realm as well. When he grew up and left it behind, the fantasy world was left on it's own. In the other world Mike's double turned into an ogre as Mike in the real world also turned into an ogre. Mike became a workaholic jerk who never even spoke to his wife for two years. The ogre also becomes a slave driving jerk who treats his wife badly. She says he used to be nice, just like Mike was. It's a pretty cool way to get someone to look inside themselves and to see what a jerk they became. People can't see it when it's just them, but when it's someone else, it's so easy. When the someone else is also you, then it's a no brainer. The irony is that only the ogre can't see it. We also learn an interesting fact about the agency - it hasn't been there forever. It used to be a candy store as recent as 14 years ago. Whether or not the agency has been there the whole time isn't addressed.
    The second story is the classic fear of having your boyfriend meet your dysfunctional family. Ashley things she's found the right guy, but is terrified that her crazy family will chase him away like they always do. She wants the perfect family like Joe has. Roarke tries to warn her that it's boring and not a good idea, but she won't listen. The annoying part of the story is that she is all shocked and upset at how perfect they are saying that's not them. That what she asked for! Why is she so surprised? She is all uncomfortable, but Joe feels right at home. Things get surreal when Joe falls in love with Ashley's sister and the family doesn't mind or care about Ashley's feelings. Then we learn they are robots, what else could they be Roarke explains. Perfection isn't human. The twisted ending is that Joe like a robot better than a real person and didn't care when he found out. He even keeps Kris's robot hand to remember her by. Roarke gets off the best line that after all of this why would Ashley want him back? One interesting point is Ashley says dad's perfect, he's a Republican. Sounds like a shot at President Clinton.
    The short story is great parody of I Dream of Jeannie. The whole thing is funny and Roarke knows Ariel won't like it and goes through trouble to hide why Freddy is there as soon as he arrives. Ariel is dressed just like Barbara Eden and they even play the them song and she does all the movements. It's like the Twilight Zone episode or any other where the old motto "be careful what you wish for" comes into play. She doesn't want to go in the bottle, won't call him master and screws with all his wishes giving him dogs instead of woman and pennies instead of dollars. She gives him lip and he complains to Roarke. When it seems like she relents, she still pulls one over on Freddy getting revenge by putting him in the bottle. If she's able to grant wishes and even dole out powers, then it seems she would be as powerful as Roarke.
    The cast story involves Ariel bringing turkeys to the island for sanctuary. Cal dreams of a Thanksgiving feast and begins the process of fattening one up. His perfect plan goes fowl when he learns they aren't ordinary turkeys and can talk.
    The ending, while cute, doesn't make any sense. Somehow an Indian chief is in the middle of New York. Fischer can only send people to Fantasy Island. He can't grant wishes. How can he says the pilgrims won't land in America? More importantly, if the never came to America, there would be no agency and no show! The country would only be sparsely populated by Indians. Nice try.
    The whole episode goes for laughs more than any serious messages making it slightly above average - not bag, just nothing special.

Rating: 7/10

Episode 10 - Let Go

Guest Cast

Character Actor
Miranda Tushka Bergen
Ray Shedanski Gerry Red Wilson
Tina Shedanski Dina Spybey
Bernice Florence Stanley

Directed by Rick Wallace
Written by Quartz MacKenzie

Summary

    Ray says if his wife knew why he was taking the trip she would kill him and then divorce him. Fischer says he wouldn't be the first person to be dishonest. He agrees. A tube arrives and Fisher tells Bernice to get it. It's from Roarke, it reads 'it's time, you'll know what it means." He gets up to leave and a woman in wedding dress runs by and a man hits her with his car, runs in and says he didn't see her. Fisher says it's not his fault, he already called an ambulance. Bernice asks who is she. Fischer says Mr. Roarke's daughter.
Cal says he can't believe he brought her back here. Harry says he does what he wants. Cal says he turned him into a scarecrow yesterday. Harry says he won't do that.
    Roarke pets Miranda's head while she sleeps. Ariel asks if she's all right and that she's beautiful. He says for a human. She's here because she was running from her wedding. She has doubts about it, so she's here for her fantasy, just like anyone else. The bell rings and he says he's not going and tells Harry and Cal to handle the Shedanskis because he's not leaving her.
    Cal rings the bell again and they go out to the dock. Ariel isn't there either. Cal doesn't know what to do, they've never greeted anyone alone. Harry says this week won't be business as usual, to smile and he could do better. The wife says she can't believe she never heard of this place before. She reads the brochure and loves it. Ray thinks Harry is Roarke and tells him he wants to find the punk who stole his 1961 corvette. He doesn't want to just catch him he wants to pound him. Ariel arrives says it's a male thing. Cal understands. They wonder how Roarke is doing. Ariel says he doesn't show any emotion and she won't recognize Cal since she's here for a fantasy.
    They go in the room, Roarke kisses her and makes birds appear. Cal says nice touch and Roarke asks how the mechanic is doing. He's in the office. Ariel waits for him. Roarke says she wants to know why Miranda is there. She says he's manipulating her and once she wakes up she'll want to stay there forever. He says that's not such a bad thing, but he'll not reveal who he really is and if she wants to stay after she finds out then that's her decision.
    Ray describes the car, says its' a babe magnet and should be illegal. Roarke says he's married though. Ray says that's how they met, she melted and the problem is with her. Roarke takes him out to see Cal and Harry who are setting it up. Roarke makes his car appear. Ray runs out to it and it disappears. He asks where it went. Roarke says it was stolen. He tells Cal and Harry that he'll take them to the scene of the crime.
    It's 10:30am, Friday, June 3. It's going to happen now. He was at work at the time an insurance adjuster was going to come over to appraise it. He's across the street and the thief jumps in the car and he runs over, but a bus cuts him off. When he gets around it the car takes off. He's mad and wants him to fix it, but Harry can't do that. They'll have to pursue him.
 In a flashback Roarke is walking on the beach wearing a white suit. He looks in the water and sees debris washing ashore. He finds a baby in a life vest and picks it up. The girl is alive. He holds her.
    Then Miranda wakes up. Roarke is pacing. She asks where is she. Roarke says she was hit by a car and is in an infirmary. She says it doesn't look like New York. He says it's not. She asks who she is. He says Mr. Roarke and asks if she's hungry and she says she is. They go outside and she says she's dreaming. She's going to school to be an obstetrician, she loves kids. He does do and made the eggs the way she likes them and knows her name. She asks how. He says to eat.
    Tina comes in to give Ray a rubdown. He says he's on call. She asks what's going on. He says the place makes magic happen, lost things can reappear. She says it's about that stupid car and this is paradise, let's enjoy it together. It was stolen two years ago and she can't compete with it. He tells her just to give him until tomorrow.
    Miranda is drawing on a swing then hears Roarke calling her name, but it's a younger version he's calling. She sees the child runs out to the boat to see him. Then she has all these memories of Roarke spinning around her. Roarke says you remember. She embraces him as daddy. He says welcome home.
    They go to eat and remember their past. She says something about a plane she was on. He says the pilot was Charles Lindbergh. They go off and walk together. Ariel, Cal and Harry are talking. Cal wants to tell Roarke that Ray's fantasy got screwed up. Ariel says it's not the time. He wants to anyway.
    Miranda says she doesn't even remember the island, how did she get there? He says she is only survivor of a shipwreck. When she turned 18 she wanted to leave. Once you leave you can't remember the island. She is successful, is going to be a doctor and get married. She says it just doesn't feel like enough. He understands. She informs him they are being watched. Cal and Harry both say hi to Miranda. They explain that the case was botched by a busload of nuns. Cal says he can do it better. Roarke agrees and says Harry is off the case and sends Cal away to do it.
    Cal talks to Ray. He says the trail is still hot. Ray says he's not going to call the police. Cal says they need to talk to criminals. He says who, Al Capone? Something like that. Cal asks Roarke to send them off. They get black jumpsuits and appear in the mother of all chop shots. Cal goes to the boss for some information. He grabs a wrench to fake having a gun and tells the guy not to go for it and tell the boys it's OK, he's a made man. He asks about the 61 Vette. The guy says a car like that is worth more together than chopped. They go to look around, he tosses his card and the wrench Cal picked up falls out. Then they start shooting at them.
    Miranda wants to see the magic. She tries to make it happen herself, but fails. Roarke says it was a good attempt, but don't snap your fingers. He says to make her see it in her mind, then make it happen. She says he's intimidating her. He walks back to Ariel and she tells him to let her go back. She's headstrong like him and is trying to throw rainbows. Eventually she gets it. Ariel says he's selfish. He says he isn't or he'd go back with her, though he can't. He has to stay here instead. She then arcs the rainbows across the water.
    Ray comes back at night and Tina asks if he found the car. He says no, not tonight. She then kisses him and he forgets about it.
    Ariel is playing chess and Cal and Harry go to her. They want her help with Roarke to fix the scene of the crime. She says to do it. What about the rules? What about Roarke? She asks what about him.
    Ray doesn't want to use protection, he's ready to try for a kid. She's reading a book titled "Your first baby." Harry arrives and says they got permission to try for the car again, but he has to come back now. He leaves her there in the bed.
    Miranda is on the swing and Roarke asks if she needs a push, she doesn't need one though. She goes high, saying she always wanted to do that. He asks about dusting cobwebs off moonbeams. She hugs him and says she never wants to leave.
    Ariel says she's a natural. He says it's all coming back to her now, she's always had it. She almost makes him feel young again. Ariel seems jealous. He asks about the case. She says she's waiting for authorization. Whatever she wants.
    Roarke goes down to talk to Miranda. She says she wants to do what he does, give people fantasies. He says that is great, but there is no one there. She says she wants to give him his fantasy then.
    Back at the scene of the crime. Cal and Harry are on the bus. Ray runs over to the thief and grabs him. It turns out to be Tina. She says she was taking the car to save their marriage. He can't believe what she did to him, two years of support groups and searching for the car. He gets in the car to drive off. She says he cheated. He says he never did. She says that's because he's with the car all the time. It's her or the car. He drives off, saying the conversation is over.
    Ariel talks to Tina. She says his true love was the car. Roarke watches this on a wall. Then Miranda comes in to see him. She's mad he was avoiding her. He says he needed time to think about it. She says she can do it - world series, superbowl or world cup. He says no, he's always had an affinity for here. He says what if the fab 4 were the fab 5? She says great John, Paul, George, Ringo and Roarke. He says he wants his name first, but it's not what he really wants though. What does he want? He says she has to know it before he does.
    Ray goes to Burgerland and a valley girl comes over to him and flirts, saying she likes everything about the car. He brags he restored it himself. She asks if it goes fast. He says to hop in. She says she'll drive it herself because he's too old, too flabby and too married to drive with her. He drives off. The girl then turns into Ariel.
    Then we see Miranda in her wedding dress with Roarke by her side. She then says that's his fantasy and she's going to cry. He says that's what normal people do. Brad seems like a nice guy. She says he would like him. That's they price you pay for living on the island.
Miranda is on the swing and Ariel comes do her. Is she having second thoughts? She says second and fourth. Did his fantasy confuse you? She doesn't know what he really wants. Did Roarke ever tell you how he found her? Yes, the shipwreck. She was dying of exposure and he saved her so she could live her own life.
    Ray comes back and Tina is packing up to leave. She wants nothing to do with him, let her leave with her dignity. He says she has a career as a thief. He's giving up the car, will put it up on blocks and give it to their son when he's ready though he doesn't have any money. He's not mad at her? No, he loves her more. She got what she wanted, just never though she'd get it. They start kissing and she says what if it's a girl and wonders how they'll get the car home. He doesn't know.
    Roarke and Miranda walk together and she announced she's made up her mind.
    Roarke says goodbye to Tina and Ray. They thank him so much and especially Cal, Harry and Ariel. He says he'll put a gold star next to their names. Then he goes over to Miranda. Is she all set? She can't wait to get home, but can't bear the thought of never seeing him again. He says she will. He'll bring her, Brad and the kids to the island from time to time. He promises. She thanks him for giving her-her life back. No, he thanks her for giving his life back. If she goes, she won't remember, but he will. That's one of the perks of running this fantastic three ring circus.
    Miranda walks down the aisle and Fisher watches. Then they exchange vows and Ariel and Roarke watch it from the sky. She says that was his plan all along. He says it was a plan, not entirely his. Then the bouquet falls into his lap and they wave at them.
    They are watching the sunset. Harry says Cal did a good job, he could've been a concierge. Cal says he did a good job too, he could've been a hitman. Harry says on nights like these they can't imagine leaving, terrifying isn't it?
    Fisher is sitting in the office when a tube arrives. The paper burns up in his hands and he says damn it. Clia says watch your language. He says he's got one, and it's big. Then the secret service walks in, followed by President Clinton. Bubba says he thinks he's in the wrong place. Fish says he doesn't think so and closes up.
    In memory of Gerry Red Wilson.

Review

    This is a unique episode because it only features one fantasy and one cast story disguised as a fantasy. I think this is the worst episode not because it is bad, but because it totally destroys the mythology of the series. It's just sloppy and it's only the 10th episode. It's not like it was written 5 years later. The problem is that at the start of the series we learn that the cast is all brought to the island for the first time. Now they are saying they've been there together at least 25 years? Roarke found Miranda as a baby and she grew up on the island and left when she was 18. Obviously this doesn't add up. Cal wonders if she'll remember them when she arrives. How could she? I could go on and on about how every thing contradicts what went on before, but you get the idea. The other major problem is that now we are told once you leave the island you won't remember it?! Since when? In the beginning we are told they aren't allowed to tell anyone as part of the deal. Well, that one mean they would remember it. If you didn't remember that would mean you wouldn't learn your lesson, so that would be pointless. What about  Ken and Bridgette in episode 8 who met and leave together? Even worse what about Jerry who comes to the island to complain after his fiancé left him after she was on the island? It's poor writing. To add insult to injury the bouquet from the wedding falls on Roarke and they wave to each other. What!? What the hell happened to Miranda not remembering him? Now they are able to interact between worlds? That's just plain lazy.
    The other annoying thing is how Ariel keeps badgering Roarke for bringing her there in the first place. Is she really saying she caused her to runaway from her wedding and get hit by a car only to have her get married anyway? It's Ariel who was selfish and jealous about Roarke wanting to spend a little time with her after not seeing her for years. At one point she doesn't even care about his feelings or protocol allowing Cal and Harry to do what they want in the case. At the end of the show Roarke should've given her a spanking for being such a baby and misjudging him.
    It's amusing that Roarke leaves Cal and Harry in charge while he's with Miranda. Of course they screw everything up. This is also the first and only time we see that fantasies can be redone again and again until they get it right. Ray's story is pretty basic - his prized car was stolen and he wants to stop it from happening. The only difference is instead of a fantasy, he's really altering his own past. Everything that happened in the last two years would be changed. They didn't address that though. The ending is a bit surprising because it wasn't stolen by a stranger, it was his wife who was jealous of the car. Her plan backfires though by thinking he would pay more attention to her with their car gone. Instead he obsesses over getting it back. When he does get the car back he is furious with Tina, but Ariel finally comes through by insulting Ray into going back to Tina. Instead of her being mad at Tina he wants to stay with her and have a kid because he thinks that none of the young girls would want to be with an old guy. And just how does he get the car back home with him? They could've had a scene with them loading it up on a ship I suppose.
    In the end suddenly Clia is back out of nowhere. What was the deal with Fisher getting sent a paper that caught fire? There was no explanation about what that meant. Having Bill Clinton show up could've been something funny, but there was no punchline, nothing about hiding from mistakes or failures or anything. They think just having him show up is joke enough. Of course it's not really him, so why not run with it? The most important thing is that beloved comic Gerry Red Wilson got sick and died in Hawaii after filming the episode only a month before it aired. At the very end in the credits it is dedicated to him. It could've been more prominently placed though. It feels like they ran out of ideas and it was just half an episode. The car story was good, the daughter story while touching, just wasn't right for the series.

Rating: 5/10

Episode 11 - Innocent

Guest Cast

Character Actor
District Attorney Flynn Daniel von Bargen
Detective Rossi Elizabeth Lindsey
Bartender Philip Casnoff
Young Cal Ian Christopher
Sybil's true love Gabriel Mann
Sybil Hammond Erica Eleniak
Sam Kenneally Dean Cain 

Directed by Deran Sarafian
Written by Ed Zuckerman

Summary

    Sam is drunk when he walks into a bar and the bartender says they are closing in 5 minutes. He wants a shot, says he's celebrating. The bartender says he had enough, but serves him anyway. The TV is on and the story is about Sam and how he got his client off and he's a dazzling defense attorney. The bartender says you got that guy off and is mad. Sam goes to the bathroom which changes into the agency. Fisher says some modesty please. He says it's not the bathroom. Fisher's point exactly and he gives him some Jewish alcohol from Carpathian plums. Sam says it tastes bad. He tells him excellent work getting Mr. Mendec off. He only killed two people, yet he managed to confuse 12 people. He says do you know? How nice it would be to have one innocent client. Fisher says here's your ticket and your complimentary travel pack. Go to the airport at 7am tomorrow. He takes it and says he's going to see Mendec. The pack has more booze for him and he thanks him and waves goodbye as he heads out into the rain. Fisher wishes him Bon Voyage.
    A little fat kid is hiding and pulls up a rope trying to trip Harry. He's not amused, he could've gotten hurt. The kid says his dad is looking for pirate treasure and has nothing to do. Harry wants to find him something to do and he runs away.
    They go to the dock. Sam Kenneally the lawyer arrives followed by Sybil who wants to be a virgin again. Cal says she's nice. Ariel says it's a stupid request. Roarke asks why. She says virgins are only good for one thing - sacrifices.
    Sam says criminals need representation too or else justice is screwed. Roarke says, "We all need justice, but you have to have money to buy it." He asks if he ever had an innocent client. He says maybe one, but there can't be any clients here. Roarke throws marbles on a scale and it tips then they reappear in the courthouse where he works. A lawyer comes over to him and says Mendec is now dead. Sam says anything he can do to help. She says put your hands behind your back. He asks what this is all about. Roarke says you now have an innocent client.
    The kid throws water on Harry from the bell tower and laughs. Then he throws a water balloon at Ariel, she stops it in mid air and sends it back on him
    Sybil says she made a lot of mistakes and most guys used her including a guy who had a girlfriend and a wife. She wants to know what it'll take to be virgin again. Roarke says she'll have to meet with each guy again and turn them down. He has massive folder of the guys she's been with and starts at #1 - Ronnie. She was in high school and fed her some dumb line in his car. She appears there and he tries to kiss her as Extreme's "More than Words" plays on the radio. She can't believe she's wearing shoulder pads and western boots. She tells him off and says he will call her twice, pick the flowers himself and then laugh about her after he goes back to his girlfriend.
    Roarke says to Sam it's a very tight case. He is cuffed and bail was denied. There is a lot of circumstantial evidence. People heard what he said after the case. Mendec was killed a few hours after the trial with a .38. Doesn't he own one? He does, but it was stolen a month ago. Convenient, will the jury buy it? He was found dead at 1am, where was he? Sam doesn't remember, did he do it? Roarke says no, you are innocent, but it doesn't mean you will be found innocent.
    Ariel walks with Sybil. She says one down, so many to go. Ariel says she hopes she gets what she wants, it seems like such a waste and she doesn't understand the appeal. She tells her how it feels, the burning in the loins. Sybil asks her count, how many guys she's been with, then says it is personal. Ariel grabs some sand, pours it and says it was a handful.
    The police talk to Sam. He says Mendec was a bad guy, he deserved it. Sam says you have to prove it. Roarke says he did arrive drunk, then says he'll have to prove it. He offers him a manslaughter plea deal, he'll get 4-8. Sam says no way. He could get 25 to life. Sam's cut deals before. He says no way, it's going to trial.
    Sybil is meeting with a college teacher. He loved her work and she says he's a good teacher. He says that means a lot from a student like her. He serves drinks in his office, quotes poetry to her and grabs her chin. She quotes back Shakespeare to him to blow him off. He wants a kiss quoting Shelly. Then she quotes Dorothy Parker to him. He quotes Christopher Marlow. She says she'd rather not - it's her.
    The kid makes a mess and Cal asks what is he doing and he'll whack him. He says you can't do that. Why did your dad bring him here? He says who cares, none of the kids in school like him, it sucks, they call him fat. He's going to run away and has $200. There was a party in the back and he robbed the ladies purses. Cal takes the money, gives him some and sends him off. The kid says there is ice cream in the flower pot.
    At the trial they say Sam's prints were on the gun as well as Mendec's. Roarke objects for bringing in damning evidence. They says that's their job. She says a witness positively ID'd Sam banging on Mendec's door that night. Sam goes to cross-examine the detective. He says Mendec had many enemies and she doesn't like him. She says he puts scum back on the streets which they strike from the record. He says the prints weren't dated. They could've gotten there any time while he was consulting with him in the previous month. The witness didn't see him go inside? No. He could've knocked and left.
    Sybil is working for McCoy on his senate campaign. He likes her ideas and wants to see her in his office. He's waiting for her, but she turns him down.
    A surprise witness is brought in. It's Fisher. He was with Sam the night of the murder. He was drunk and upset that Mendec killed two people, he was scum and he was going to Mendec's house to make things right. Sam thought it was a gross miscarriage of justice. Sam objects, he can't know what he thinks. Roarke says he can. They show Fisher pictures of the murder scene. Under the body are the glasses of the booze he gave Sam. He said if he knew Sam would do that he would've stopped him.
    Roarke visits Sam and says it didn't go well, he's going to nail that dirtbag. Sam says he's on his team, he's the dirtbag. Roarke wants to be a prosecutor and put Sam on the stand. He says it's not a good idea. Roarke says to trust him.
    Sybil is getting a massage with Ariel. She says she feels like such a slut. Is it possible she can skip one guy if she really likes him? Ariel says she can't. They are getting rubbed down hard and love it, then switch.
    On the stand Roarke asks Sam if he liked Mendec, he says not really. Did he think he was guilty? Yes, but why are you asking me. Roarke says to trust him. He asks if Mendec was a criminal. Yes. That means he hung around with other criminals, many wanted to kill him. Didn't he feel bad getting off a guilty man? He did. Who is Harvey Maxwell? Why? Answer. He wants to stop. Roarke says no. Harvey was innocent. He advised him to plead guilty, to make a deal. He never thought he would get killed in a brawl. He found the evidence after he went to jail and was about to get him released. Sam never tried hard enough to get him off because he didn't think he was innocent. Sam objects. Roarke forces him, it's his question. Roarke says he doesn't care about anyone. Harvey was a 19 year old boy who would have been an airline pilot, he had hopes and dreams. He was on his way up. He admits Mendec was a bad guy who deserved to die and he got him off. Roarke rests his case.
    Sybil is in a bar with the next guy. He's all nervous. He tries to speak, but can't. He has a reference letter from his last girlfriend. It can't hurt. She reads it. He asks why she dropped out of Professor Slocum's class. She says she's not good at poetry. He says she was. The professor said that too, but it was a line. He says a line could be true, comes around to her and says she looked really good tonight. It's a line, but it's true. He likes her because she's fun. Who told him that? She did. She compared Han Solo to Tibadeaux and it made him think about Greedo and Princess Leia. He's doing it again, tell me to shut up. She does. He says to go for a walk. She isn't sure.
    The kid has the keys to his dad's speedboat. He wants Cal to escape with him because he needs an adult to drive him off the island. Cal says it would never work, then agrees. He wants him to steal his dad's magic playing cards. The kid says what? Then understand he means the credit cards.
    At the trial Sam is found guilty as charged. Roarke says, "Whoops."
    Harry asks Cal what he's doing. He's going across the island for a fantasy. He gives Harry his postcard of Atlantic City and says there are wonderfully run hotels there. Why is he giving it to him? He says as a nice gesture. He's going to play Santa Claus on the other side of the island.
    Roarke comes to see Sam. He asks how he feels. He feels good, he shouldn't, but he does. Roarke says he didn't want an innocent client, he wanted to feel innocent. He was never punished for Harvey's death, now someone else will punish him. He rests his case and leaves him.
    Sybil says she couldn't resist #4 and gave in to him like last time. He was just so nice. Ariel asks what happened and why did he leave her? He didn't leave. She left him, she decided to travel the world and do everyone. If she stayed with him and settled down like he wanted she would know.
    Cal and the kid are down at the dock. He says maybe Cal can hook him up with his old crew. He says Joey is doing time and Maxie is dead. They are bonding. He says all he knows how to do is steal from 7-11. Cal used to do that. The kid wants to be just like Cal. Cal is bummed, look at him, look where he ended up. Maybe he should hook up with his dad and change his life around. He doesn't care, they hate him in school. Cal says that's bad, but to try. He thought he wanted to escape from the island. He did, but he throws the keys into the water and they walk away,
    Sam is being sentenced. The judge says it's a heinous crime. At the last second Fisher arrives with a tape from the airport security camera. It shows Sam was passed out asleep on the couch the whole time and he has proof that it is good. She says she'll hold him over for 48 hours to check it out. Roarke says waiting is so boring.
    Then they are in jail. Sam was acquitted. Roarke shows him Mr. Burlingame. He was sentenced for two murders, but he's innocent. Sam says that's not what the papers say. Roarke assured him he is innocent he will get him off, it may take years and he has no money. Sam understands.
    Roarke goes to Cal with the kid. He tells him congratulations, he passed the test. Cal doesn't understand. He asks doesn't the kid look familiar. Then he hears the voice of his dad, but his dad is dead. Cal doesn't understand, what did he do wrong? He apologizes to Mr. Roarke. Roarke says he's getting another chance. Cal disappears, then reappears as the 10 year old kid. His dad calls him. Roarke says his dad is finished scuba diving. Cal's now 10 years old again and is given a second chance, don't mess it up this time.
    Sybil is getting ready to leave and Ariel says she missed the plane, it won't come for 2 days. Then the guy she fell for arrives. He has a fantasy about the girl he pushed away. Sybil says she'll handle it herself and walks down to him and he's happy to see her.
    Roarke is at the agency drinking with Fisher, but doesn't like Fisher's booze that much. Fisher asks if he was convincing in his last minute entrance. Roarke agrees he was and did a good job. He says they are a good team. Roarke says he was thinking about spicing up the front end of the operation and Fisher is all happy. How about some pretty girls to work with? Roarke was thinking about a new coat of paint. Fisher wants a hug from him and Roarke jumps up and says he has to go. He walks into a calendar on the all with a January picture and is back on the island. Fisher follows, but walks right into the wall. Roarke has a drink in the picture and says that looks like it hurt! He tips the drink and walks back to the hotel.

Review

    The show has a unique opening because Sam doesn't walk into the agency by accident or because of the rain. This time he is in a bar and the bathroom changes into the agency. Roarke and company went out of their way to get Sam. He was certainly not looking for a vacation. The intro seems odd with Fisher plying a drunk man with booze, but it is only so it shows up later at the crime scene. Another different thing is that Fisher doesn't have the trip booked right away, but tells him to get to the airport at 7am tomorrow. It seems like a long shot that he would make such and early flight as hung over as he would be.
    Sam is a hated hot shot lawyer who just wants an innocent client. I've never heard any of these high paid dirtbag types ever say their client is guilty, they always say they are innocent, even if their client confesses. I am right to think that is crap because his fantasy is revealed as something different in the end. He wanted to FEEL innocent himself because of one case he had where the client was innocent and he didn't do all he could to help him and the client ended up dead. Roarke screws Sam over at every chance he can get and it's great stuff every time. You want an innocent client? You've got one - yourself, but you'll have to go to jail and be on trial first. At first even Sam doesn't know if he's innocent since he can't remember anything. Roarke is a lot of fun as the lawyer who doesn't really know what he's doing and objects that the evidence is damning to his client. Sam does well representing himself though. Then Fisher is brought in and Roarke gets off another great line about how Fisher can read minds which doesn't help Sam at all. Then Roarke visits him and is all gung ho about screwing Sam until Sam reminds him he's supposed to be on his side! He then convinces Sam to go on the stand and to trust him, which turns out to not be a good idea. Instead of helping Sam get cleared, he gets to the heart of Sam's guilt. He forces him to admit he had a innocent client that he didn't believe in. He rests his case and Sam is totally screwed. He's found guilty and Roarke gets off his best one word line - whoops! Of course he has another plan and it's all part of the show for Sam. As he's being sentenced Fisher shows up with surprise evidence to save Sam, stretching out his wait another 2 days. In the end it's all a ploy by Roarke to get Sam to represent and innocent client who can't afford his services.
    The other fantasy at first glance seems like a bland story - a woman wants to be a virgin again. Even Ariel goof on her. The way Roarke handles it makes it interesting - she has to turn down all the guys she ever had sex with to get her wish. When we see he has a binder filled with names we know she'll never go through them all, they would need a two hour special at least. It also gives Ariel something to do as the women bond after each one she turns down. The story is also different in that Roarke isn't out to teach her a lesson, but he lets her go and do what she wants, with no surprises. The first guy she goes back to his funny because she's decked out in 80s attire and can't believe she dressed like that. It doesn't add up exactly because a song from 1991 is on the radio. They should've played Guns N' Roses - Sweet Child O'Mine if they wanted the proper era. Then we are teased with some sex talk from Ariel, but she doesn't go into details.  The next guy is a teacher and the scene seems really fake to me with all the poetry quoting back and forth. We soon realize what a slut she is that she'll go with any man who wants her. The third guy is a senator she is working for. The fourth guy is one she really liked. She tries to resist him, but can't. So much for her plan on being a virgin again. It turns out she really loved him, but at the time she didn't realize it. She ran away on him with her childish dreams of hedonism. In the end it works out perfect for her because the guy arrives after she misses her plane as his fantasy is to find her again thinking he chased her away.
    The cast story at first seems normal - a fat kid is bored on the island because his dad left him alone, so he decides to torture the staff. It all seems fishy that a kid would be brought to the island in the first place, but no one ever expected how it would end. He makes a big mistake going after Ariel as she shows her powers and stops time and reverses the course of the water balloon. The weird thing is the kid and Ariel don't know why the kid is really there. The kid and Cal start to bond since they are so much alike - fat, unloved and criminals. The kid comes up with an escape plan and Cal is all for it, even encouraging the kid to steal his dad's credit cards. Cal then shows his good side to Harry by giving him a present before he goes away, even though he doesn't come right out and say it, Harry suspects something is up. When Cal reunites with the kid he tells him he wants to be just like Cal. Cal finally realizes that is not good because all Cal ever did was screw up his life and end up in this place which is a punishment for his sins, so he decides against them running way. When Roarke shows up with the kid and tells Cal he passed the test, he has no clue what is going on. The kid is really a young Cal. Cal is all sorry and thinks he's in big trouble. But the unexpected happens - Cal is rewarded and is given a second chance at life and is released from the island.
    This episode has one of the best inside jokes of all time. Malcolm quotes the opening line from the song "Justice" from his favorite film he did - "O Lucky Man!". Only his biggest fans would catch it and it makes it that much more special. The ending also doesn't match anything we've ever seen before. Roarke can leave the island at will and appear in the real world. This seems to change everything. Roarke can't be trapped there, he's willingly doing a job. Roarke decides to reward Fisher a bit by having the agency cleaned up. It seems Fisher has forgotten all the negative things he did and said about Roarke and wants a hug. In a great scene Roarke runs away from him and goes back to the island through the calendar on the wall with Fisher desperate to follow. Just like in the first episode, it comes to life.
    It really came out of nowhere that Cal leaves and with the series ending soon after we never learn who his replacement is. I always thought it would be the same actor playing a different character which could've been fun. When I interviewed Rick who worked on the show he said they were going to have Harry leave next. It certainly makes the show different that they would remove main characters in the first season. I like Cal, so I wasn't happy that he was removed. Otherwise everything was good about the episode. In fact Roarke playing the lawyer gets about the most screen time he's ever had and it's all funny stuff. Because of this he really has nothing to do with the other case, so that hurts it a bit. Elaniak is best known from Baywatch, so I was waiting for some joke about that or some incorporation of it into her list, like she slept with a lifeguard she had to pass up. 

Rating: 9/10

Episode 12 - The Real Thing

Guest Cast

Character Actor
Heather Finn Lauren Holly
Himself Lennox Lewis 
Ben Brian McNamara
Aaron Fillner Pauly Shore
Carl Harbin Jay Thomas
Mandy Harbin Lisa Waltz
Jen Laura Cayouette

Directed by Rick Wallace
Written by Edward Kitsis & Adam Horowitz

Summary

    Heather Finn and her friend Jen are walking up large marble stairs in a building and one says she followed a trail of roses to the sand that said, "Will you marry me?" She shows the ring and says Ben asked? She says she's so happy then goes into an elevator to get away from her. A flash erupts and the elevator opens into the agency. She wants to be at La Cirque, she's late for lunch. He asks where does she really want to be? With Ben. Fisher says that's right, they were perfect for each other.
    Roarke is playing chess with himself. Do you hear something? Shut up and move you whiner the second Roarke says. The first says no, there it is, hearing the bell.
    Harry is ringing it like a whimp and Roarke goes out and tells him to put more muscle into it, he needs to take up the slack for Cal. The three go to the dock, smiles everyone. Mr. & Mrs. Harbin are from Michigan, he's there to be the heavyweight champ, his wife thinks they are on vacation. Harry says he can take over the bell ringing. Heather is an upcoming magazine writer who wants to fix her lost love from college. Ariel says the third one wants to take care of it. Roarke says he is Aaron Fillner, a reporter from the National Inquisitor who wants to write a story on FI. They discourage that, but Fisher sent him, so he'll have to deal with it. Roarke talks to the reporter, Fisher told him he was the man to see. He's heard a lot of rumors about this place. He pulls out a recorder and Roarke asks do you mind? He says Prince Charles blew him off and Roarke says he sued him for a half million and he wasn't with the Spice Girls? Roarke says he'll cooperate fully, but there is no tape in the recorder.
    Heather goes to see Roarke, he's reading a magazine with "10 ways to make your man scream." She's replayed the moment in the dorm over and over in her mind. He's the only man she's ever loved and now he's engaged with her best friend. She got food poisoning from calamari and wants to fix it. He says shall we make it right? They go out the door and disappear. Aaron watches and can't believe it.
    Then Heather is back in college and Roarke has a beer hat. Her roommate says she's sick with food poising. Ben says that's too bad, he's got two tickets to the Grateful Dead concert. Heather comes around the corner. She says she'll go, but Heather interrupts and even though her shirt is on backwards, she says she's fine and goes out with Ben.
    Mandy says the place is beautiful. Carl says it is, then she pulls him down in the bed. Mandy says it's you, me and it's sexy. He says he's not feeling it. Roarke then appears on the bed with him. He asks if he minds, he's sharing a private moment. But Mandy is frozen. He says he can't get it up anymore, his doctor says he needs to get back his primitive instinct. Roarke says they should start training for his boxing match them. He takes him out into the jungle to a boxing ring. Carl wants Roarke to just make him into a great boxer. He says it's Fantasy Island, not Miracle Island. The reporter follows and finds nothing. Roarke yells at him, says he's been jogging on a treadmill all his life, he needs to drop and give him 10, one handed.
    Ben and Heather return. She says thanks and he says to tell her roommate she's OK, she looked worried. They sit down together and look at the stars. She says it's fate, they are in the same political science class and like the same music. They are about to kiss and Roarke appears saying it's getting romantic. Then they disappear. She reappears on a beach with Roarke. It's now the week before the present. Ben hasn't seen Jen in 6 years, not to worry. Here's a rose, follow them, just like Jen said. She follows them to him. He says he never could've made it without her, she stuck by him through med school, when he was a foul mouth jerk trying to quit smoking, she says it was nothing and she barely remembers it. He pulls out the ring and asks her to marry him. She says yes and then Jen walks up from behind. Roarke watches it in his glass and says what a coincidence.
    Heather shows Jen the ring, but drops it. She's so happy for her. Then Ben and Jen's eyes meet and Heather gets in front of them. What's she doing there? She's on vacation too and says they should keep in touch.
    Roarke is in the kitchen and Aaron says he's been dodging him. Roarke says he's not, he tastes the soup and says more rosemary. Aaron says more salt. He agrees. He says it's club med on acid, nothing special. Roarke says people leave happy and they exaggerate. Aaron wants a fantasy. Roarke doesn't know what he means. He then says maybe he can experience it. He always wanted to see a UFO. Roarke says he wrote about it many times and even had an exclusive interview. He says that was all crap.
    Roarke takes him out to a shed, says this is what the US has been hiding all these years since the crash at Roswell. He takes him inside where Ariel is performing an Alien Autopsy like Scully from The X-Files, in a red wig. She cuts it open and they have it spew green blood. He asks do you really think he's buying this, he went a rock and roll fantasy camp last year, at least he saw Keith Richards. Roarke says it's a superior metal alloy, he says it's tinfoil and leaves.
    Eye of the Tiger plays while the man trains for the boxing match. He gets worn out from punching, he can't run up the stairs, he's sweating and winded. Roarke asks him how he feels, he says lousy. Roarke says he needs a sparring partner - it's Harry. The guy thinks he's kidding, then Harry pummels him.
    Heather is on the beach and Ben comes over. He asks if she remembers Aruba last year, they spent the night on the beach. She says making love. He says no, singing. He brought his harmonica. She says he's kidding. He thought she liked it. She says she can get used to anything with him. They go to kiss and Roarke interrupts again. It is now the night before the wedding. He took care of all the arrangements, thought it better so she wouldn't be bored with details. She agrees, but says the table arrangements are really cheesy. Roarke says Ben picked them out.
    Carl goes back to the room, he's all beat up. He tells his wife he fell. She doesn't understand how he's all bruised up. He says he rolled. She kisses him and goes on top of him. He pushes her away. She asks what is it? He doesn't know. Is he like her cousin George, if he she'll understand, but they'll have to get a divorce. He says he's not, no divorce, he's tired and turns out the light.
    Roarke is playing chess with himself. Number 3 says he always overuses his queen. He says who asked you?
    Carl is training again, but this time he's succeeding. He feels great. He goes to dinner and brings Mandy flowers. He's starving. She says is there another woman. He says no. She's barely seen him they whole weekend, she thought they were supposed to be spending time together. He says he's going to be the heavyweight champ. She says he can do it without her and leaves.
    Heather goes to see Ben on their wedding day in her dress. He says it's bad luck. She asks if he's really happy. He says yes, is this about the fight? She asks which one? The one about him wanting to move to the country. She doesn't want to move, she likes the city. He says not to worry, it'll all work out, it's fate. She's not sure now.
    It's the night of the fight backstage. Carl is training. Roarke says it's time. Harry says to kick his punk ass. They get out into the ring and Harry is the announcer. He calls Carl the Iron Carpet. He's undefeated in 0 fights. His opponent is Lennox Lewis. Now Carl is terrified. Roarke says if he wants to be the champion, he has to beat the champion. It turns to black and white. Carl dodges a punch and hits Lennox hard, he goes on the ropes. Mandy runs out of her see to him and it turns back to color. Roarke holds up the belt, he's the new champion. Harry announces it. Mandy runs to him and the crowd chants his name. They kiss. Harry goes to Lennox and says he's out and he's not waking up.
    Jen comes to Heather, says she looks beautiful and knows brides forget to eat. She brings her food and she eats it. Heather apologizes for messing up her life. Jen says she didn't, she just blew her off after college. She did? Yes, but she got over it. She was busy with Ben. She still considers her a friend. Heather says she's her best friend. Jen doesn't understand and leaves.
    Carl goes to Lennox in the hospital. He says he never meant to hurt him, he just wanted people to cheer his name, Lennox is the real champ. Roarke says that was a hell of a punch. He admits it was and wants to get back to his wife. Roarke says she can't, he's got to defend his title, his public awaits. There are cameras outside the room. Then he's in the ring and everyone boos him. His opponent is an old man, a 117 pound accountant.
    Roarke goes into his office and talks to his bird. Aaron is hiding taking his picture. Roarke asks if his mom taught him manners. He says he's going to publish the story of a lifetime. FI can dig into your deepest, darkest secrets and give you whatever you want. Roarke says he saw none of that, it would be a lie. Aaron says he doesn't care, it's nothing new. Roarke says it will destroy us though. It's not his problem, you could sue, but he would still win. What can you do? Roarke says to the parrot, what can they do?
    Roarke is presiding over the wedding. Ben says I do. Heather says to wait, she's not ready. He asks you don't love me? She says I do, so Roarke marries them. She says he's smart, sexy, but she's not the one for him, he needs someone else. She can't marry him and kisses him. Then it turns into Jen and Ben's wedding and Heather is the maid of honor and happy.
    Mandy goes to the hospital with a flower basket. In the hall is a man in a wheelchair running himself into the wall. She asks if he's alright, at least she's not in a coma. Carl says next year they are going to Aruba. She asks why he did this. He's a carpet salesman, he doesn't even own the store. He just wanted her to see him in a new light, as the champ. She says he doesn't have to change, he's her champion. She kisses him and gets turned on. He asks if she's ready to rumble and pulls the curtain as they start to get busy. Lennox wakes up, looks at them and says, "Damn."
    Roarke dances with Heather after the wedding. She made the right choice. Then why doesn't she feel good? He says that's the thing about fate, it's never wrong. Open your eyes, you'll find him. Then and old man cuts in to dance. Roarke says he never said it would be easy.
    Aaron goes out to the dock and Harry has his stuff. He asks where his plane is. Harry says he doesn't know. Roarke is playing chess again, he makes a move, then something happens outside. A large spaceship appears over Aaron and takes him away. Harry says he forgot his Samsonite. Then Roarke beats the other Roarke, Aaron screams as he's taking away and Roarke #3 says he didn't see that coming. Then Roarke #4 puts a tie on.
    Fischer is the agency, he's reading the National Inquisitor with the headline "Reporter abducted by Aliens." He says that's new, fah, poo, who reads this rubbish anyway?

Review

    The time on the series was never consistent, no idea why. The longest episode clocks in at a long 50 minutes. If they ever repeat it, it would be heavily edited. This episode is the shortest at only 38 minutes. Just like the last episode the it starts out with the new format of someone walking into a room and it turning into the agency on them unexpectedly.
    After the theme song we get one the most bizarre image of the series and possibly of all of Malcolm's career - an army of Roarke clones. It seems to be saying Roarke is playing with himself, is this how he gets off? Maybe he does this when he's bored or it's the secret of the island and how he can be omnipresent. He can be everywhere because there are so many of him, but where were they hiding all this time? Right after we learn Cal is really gone and hasn't been replaced because Harry now has to ring the bell.
    The first story is about Heather who because she was sick one night in college, her best friend went out with her guy, they fell in love and are getting married. She always thought Ben should be hers. Roarke with the beer hat is good for a laugh, otherwise it's pretty straight forward stuff. The only difference is Roarke fast forwards their entire relationship. Instead of them being together for years, she gets only the annoying highlights for Roarke to teach her he's not the one for her. None of this adds up because Ben is with her best friend, so she's obviously been around the guy for years and would know most everything about him. If they were trying to say she made him lame, then they did a weak job of it. 
    The second story is about Carl who can't get it up anymore and wants to be the heavyweight champ thinking it will unleash his animal instincts to enable him to get aroused again, but his wife thinks they are on vacation to rekindle the romance. I don't like Jay Thomas, so this one isn't so great either. But the fact he is deceiving his wife and how Roarke keeps popping up and freezing things is fun. If Carl gets too close to his wife Roarke stops it and appears to take him away to train for the fight. What makes the story different is that Roarke actually trains him and yells at him about it which is fun. Instead of just bulking him up in the snap of his fingers he actually has to earn it. I guess it's to just fill the time. The best part is that Carl has to fight the actually heavyweight champ Lennox Lewis. He fears getting killed, but for it to be official he really has to beat him. I expected Carl to get pummeled into a coma. What else would happen if some regular jerk got into the ring with a real fighter? Instead of that, they rip off the Twilight Zone episode "A Game of Pool" from 1961. When you beat the champ, everyone wants a piece of you and you'll spend all your time defending the title. The other problem is his wife is mad he avoided her the whole time,  thinks he's cheating on her or that he's gay. In the end it was all in his head and she wanted him for who he was. Typical drivel.
    The cast story is a little different as it's really about a tabloid reporter trying to get a story on the island. This is just cheesy comic relief and since it features one of the lamest actors of all-time, Pauly Shore, it's that much worse. The whole premise doesn't make sense because if him blowing the lid off the island would ruin everything for them, then why would Fisher do it? He would be out of a job as well and forced to go back to whatever purgatory he came from. How would a tabloid story matter anyway? Most people don't read or  believe those papers anyway. Plus people leave the island all the time and spread the word of it, so the publicity wouldn't hurt. Instead it would mean more business if he writes the article. The whole story is just a bad cat and mouse chase. Everything out of the ordinary that happens Aaron misses. Instead of giving him a fantasy of seeing a real alien, they just trick him for some reason. In the end aliens take him away and somehow the paper he works for learns of that story and prints it. The only highlight is mocking on Fox's Alien Autopsy and The X-Files at the same time. Otherwise it's just dumb.
    If Harry is such a whimp and unable to ring the bell, how is he easily able to knock out Carl? For the third time we see Roarke show off his dancing skills. Otherwise there isn't much to say. It's the worst episode of the series with the multi-Malcolms being the only interesting thing about it. Putting Jay Thomas and Pauly Shore in one episode is just about the worst possible thing they could've done and catastrophic results could only occur.

Rating: 3.5/10

Episode 13 - Heroes

Guest Cast

Character Actor
Cassie Anne Francis
Kirk "Flint" Draper  Pat Harrington
Gerald "Greasy" Dwight Schultz
Linda Stacey Travis
Jeremy Slater Arye Gross
Bob "Steel" Signington John Ashton

Directed by Perry Lang
Written by Ed Zuckerman (teleplay), Chris & Paul Weitz (story)

Summary

    At Ed Fenell's funeral the eulogy is being given by a bored man. He was one member of three of TV's Hard Squad from 1969-76. The other two Bobby and Kirk are there and aren't amused. He was loved by his wife, children and grand children, but more important he was loved for the Hard Squad. Then they see Cassie who was also on the show and say she looks good. She's signing an autograph. She goofs on one of them asking is that is granddaughter? It's his wife. She had a show "Police Gal.", before her time. She misses the action like they so. They go over the grave and say it makes you wish…what? They struggle and fall into the grave, then fall into the agency. Fisher says he knows them. Are they dead? No, but they might as well be living the life of old folks. He promises he can give them the action one more time. Is he a producer? Better, his promises come true.
    The seaplane lands and they come out to him. Roarke asks if the chef is ready. Harry says he is, Ariel says he's heavy on the sassafras. Jeremy & Linda Slater are traveling without their three daughters and he always wanted a boy. Harry asks that's his fantasy? Roarke says who said they are there for him. Jeremy grabs Mai-tai's, but won't give her anyone, then has Harry lead them away for the Cajun food. Then Kirk "Flint" Draper and Bob "Steel" Signington of the Hard Squad arrive. Bobby complains about the size of the airplane. He goofs on him for dropping his viagara. They ask where the trailer is and makeup. They are going to start shooting soon? Then shots are fired at them. A boatload of thugs are heading for them firing assault rifles. Harry announces tonight's Hard Squad episode is "Heroes." They are too old for this and seek cover' Roarke says they'll need their snubnose revolvers and tosses guns to them. He goes down, not shot, bad knee. Then take cover and start firing. One guy is hit and they take off. They did it, but a high five leads to shoulder pains.
    Jeremy is pacing in the bedroom. Linda's taking the pregnancy test. He can't wait to see it, but it comes out negative. She doesn't want to go through it again. She's had 3 kids in 6 years, that's enough, he's not the one who went through it, 9 more months of sickness, bloat and he wasn't around, he was out playing golf. He says he didn't want to hang around. He had plenty of time to call her fat and hum the elephant walk though when he wasn't on the golf course. Then he gets sick.
    Flint & Steel go to the police station. The guy knows them, they are legends. Where's the third guy, the smart one? He couldn't make it. They go to the office, the captain is Roarke, he's made up like a chief. They say they guy who shot at them was Lo Fat, he was in episodes 11, 23 & 40, he came back once a season. Roarke says he's got problems with smugglers. They say Lo has a boat, he could've been smuggling. He gives them the chance to take him down, but if they screw up they'll all be walking a beat in Waikiki. Why? He has no idea.
    They take Jeremy to the doctor. He's sick and asks how long dos he have? Nine months, he's pregnant. Roarke is the first one to congratulate him.
    Tuesday - Flint & Steel bitch at each other as they drive. Do you still have a license? Where's the ashtray? There is none, part of the new way. Bob thinks they are being followed, he puts the light on and Bob says they never had a car chase until the 3rd act. They start running and take some wild turns. He says that's the stuntman's job. It's the 90s. Kirk goes wild, then takes out a fruit stand, backs up, crashes, and keeps crashing until he gets out. Aren't they the cops, shouldn't they be chasing them. Lo Fat gets away and Kirk says he's tired of chasing him. Then what? They need to talk to their snitch, Greasy. Do you think he's still around? Let's find out. He's doing three card monty with a crowd. They chase away the crowd and he says he's honest and denies playing three card monty. They want Lo Fat. He ask does he look like he has a death wish? They have a bunch of charges like gambling devices. He says will he protect them if he tells. They won't if he doesn't. They go to cuff him and he says try the docks, pier 41 tonight. They let him go, he says they used to give him $5. Put it on their tab.
    Jeremy's pants don't fit. He asks if he looks fat, she doesn't know. He says look how fat I am, how can you let me go out like this. She says his body is changing, it's the hormones. He says his hormones are fine, how can he go through this? He says he's a size 33, always has been. He jumps on the bed to try to get them on.
    Wednesday - they are at the docks waiting, it's almost 3am. Bob asks Kirk if he's sure this is the right place. He says he doesn't hear well and thought he said we're #1. They start bitching. Bob says he is his character, Kirk says he always got the girl. Does he want to take a nap in the back? He asks Kirk why did he leave Cassie, but he doesn't want to talk about it, besides he always had a thing for her. How did he know? He was married to Annette, but she left him after the show ended. He has to go to the bathroom again. Kirk goofs on him, he'll stay if he uses a cup. Then they see the car going by. They follow it to a boat full of Chinese illegals. Then masked men attack them. They hit one with a board, then the guys start pummeling them and throw a net on them. Then they beat them with an oar and throw them over. The guy takes his mask off and it's Cassie. Roark says great acting.
    The next day she pulls them out not knowing it was them. She had a fantasy like they did wanting to get back in the action. They say Lo Fat is smuggling dugs. She says he's not, he's smuggling people and she's got food for hem. Lo Fat is actually bringing children back to their parents, but charging them heavily for it. It's a moral dilemma. They don't understand.
    Jeremy is eating and says it's hard to move carrying a child. He's carrying their child, she could be more appreciative. He's all bloated and heavy. She had enough and takes the golf clubs and leaves. Roarke, Ariel and Linda are playing golf. Jeremy comes out to join them. He says Roarke is a sicko for doing this to him. He says it wasn't him, it was his wife's fantasy. She just wanted him to know how it feels. He's had enough. Roarke says he can arrange it for her to carry the rest. He says to do it, he's done all the hard work. Linda says he's still insensitive. Roarke says guys vs. girls - if the guys win she has to carry the baby. Linda agrees. Ariel hits the ball the wrong way, but it bounces off a tree and goes right in the hole. Roarke's shot spins around the pin and also goes in. He says they are evenly matched.
    Flint & Steel goes to the captain. They explain what Lo Fat is up to. The captain is knee deep in a spa pool over a body. The coroner explains what they found. They don't understand. They lift the sheet and it's Lo Fat. Kirk can't believe he's really dead and has real blood. The captain asks what did he expect? Kirk wants to quit.
    On the golf course Roarke and Ariel are whacking the balls hard. Linda is doing OK and Jeremy is struggling to swing with his belly and falls over. Ariel uses magic to make the ball go in and Harry is their caddy. Jeremy misses the ball and cheats to get it in. Linda hits the ball out of a sandtrap into the hole. Roarke says the last shot is for Jeremy. If he makes it they win, if not they lose. He wants to call a gimmie. He drops the club because he felt the baby kick. He wants Ariel to feel it, he says it was the most amazing thing ever. Roarke reminds him of the putt and Jeremy misses on purpose.
    Cassie talks to Bob and asks doesn't he want to catch the killer? He says there is something he's wanted to tell her for a long time. Kirk arrives and says he got three seats on the plane for them. They can make it in time for the Celb Pro Am. Cassie wants to stay, she's on the case. They remind her people really die here. She has a meeting with Greasy. They say to rough him up. She says that's not them, that's their characters. She asks Bob to join her, but he refuses. They are too old for this. Greasy arrives in a red sports car and she gets in with him. He even has a vanity plate with his name on it and Bob can't believe it. The guys go and wait at the plane. Kirk tells Bob they should keep in touch. He's got a webpage. Bob says he doesn't mind going back, he's got Crystal. Kirk agrees, but Bob has nothing. Then Harry brings them a ransom note. Cassie has been kidnapped. They decide to go rescue her. Harry says the plane is leaving though, but they don't care.
    Jeremy is working out. He bought a ton of baby things. She also got a beeper for her and a baby monitor. They'll put the baby in the study. She says that's her office and doesn't want to give it up. He says it's not about her and talks to her on a walkie talkie and says he gets the feeling she doesn't even want the kid.
    Friday - the cops are going though a refinery. They've been there before - during season 2 on the episode "Lo Fat's revenge." They hear Cassie and find her tied to a chair with her mouth taped up. They go to free her and Greasy is there on the other side. They want him to help them free her, but don't understand Greasy is the kingpin. Greasy can't believe they ever solved a case and ties them up. He explains he was working hard to get all the cons. He's tired of the way they treated him. He hates them, they shook him down, beat him up and violated his civil rights. He says his name is really Gerald with a G. He lights a cigarette, says that's right, he forgot he can't smoke anymore. He then lights a fuse to blow up dynamite and leaves.
    Linda says they could use her file cabinet for a changing table and she's sorry she wasn't there for him. He is sorry he wasn't there for her the whole time, he should've been. Then his water breaks and they take him to the hospital on a stretcher while Linda films him. Roarke says he's 7 centimeters dilated.
    Kirk says he loves this, he really feels alive with all this excitement. Cassie tells Kirk not to quit again. He says again? He left her for some script girl and that didn't last. He says it was her show that got better ratings and pushed them off the air, his ego couldn't stand it. He loves her, always has. She can't believe it. Bob says he loves her too, he was just afraid of rejection. Then Bob rolls hard, hits a wall, falls down the stairs and gets loose. It was really fun. He comes back and pushes Kirk and he does the same thing. They go back for Cassie and she says to leave her, but they won't even though there is only three seconds left on the timer. The explosion blows them out the window and they fall into a large airbag. Kirk and Bob can't believe it's not real. Roarke is on a camera dolly with his hat backwards. He says the networks are loving it, they are getting a 16 share. The reunion could be a series. Kirk and Bob are thrilled. Bob says it's because of him.
    Jeremy had a girl and he's not disappointed at all. She looks great and he's been breast feeding every 2 hours.
    Epilogue: Kirk is on the dock. He tells Cassie they had their shot, it was a great one. She should really hook up with Bob, he'll be there for her. So she goes to Bob. Then the show ends and we see Fisher watching it at the agency. Then the screen splits in half and Roarke tells him to get back to work.

Review

    The final episode continues the trend of the surprise fantasy where people go from where they are to suddenly being transported to the agency. What makes it different from all the rest is there is no cast story, just two big fantasies. They also change it up by incorporating Roarke and Ariel into the integral part of Jeremy's story - a bet that will hinge on how the fantasy goes. Unfortunately it's just silly stuff. Both of them play golf and can't miss the shots with their powers and get holes in one the whole time. The noteworthy part is along with My Life So Far, it mark's Malcolm's earliest on screen foray into golf, a sport he picked up on after.
    The first story is about actors who were famous on a TV show that ended 23 years earlier. After their co-star dies they dream of getting back in on the action, but as usual, they need to be careful what they wish for. They want the action of the show, but instead get a real life adventure while playing their characters. The story plays out like one of those bad reunion shows that pop up too often, but it is a parody of those shows. They are aware that their 70s style show is taking place in the 90s and the rules have changed. The plot switches from the typical dope smuggling to the more current people smuggling. The car now has no ashtray because it's not politically correct today. These are mildly amusing sequences. The best part is Malcolm playing the humorless hard ass chief of police with a New York accent and a bad combover. The story basically shows them that they are too old to be playing the roles they used to and real bullets and real death make them want to quit, until their friend, an actress from the spinoff of their show gets kidnapped. This is the other different aspect of the story, people who know each other both had the same fantasy and theirs intertwine. The big surprise is in the end, it turns out the whole thing was really fake and is filmed as a TV reunion, each segment has been aired and is getting big ratings. Malcolm switches roles coming down as a Ron Howard looking director with a baseball cap on backwards and looking ridiculous. Knowing now he's not a fan of Ron I see it a specific dig on an old guy trying to look young, but just looking stupid.
    The second story is about a man who wants to have a son. He's had three girls back to back and his wife is sick of being a baby machine while he goes out and lives it up. So to get even, her fantasy is for him to be pregnant and for her to ignore him so he knows what's it like. The pregnant man story has been done enough, but this one is a bit different. A first he hates it and wants out and Roarke is willing to grant him his wish, but then when he feels the baby inside him he wants to go through it all. It seems the first trimester or so only took a few hours. He still is and insensitive jerk until this point. In the end he winds up having the kid and doesn't care that it's a girl since he did all the work.
    This is probably the most cut and dry episode of the series, very straight forward, no real surprises, nothing exciting, no great lines by Roarke. Roarke as the cop, the director and yelling at Fisher in the end are the highlights. I wish the series could've ended on a bang, or had a true final episode, but the last two episodes were duds. Even the many big names in this episode didn't help much. It's sad the show only lasted one short season. It had so much potential. They could've filmed it anywhere and used effects to make it look like Hawaii, or season 2 could've started on another island, one closer to the mainland United States or a soundstage to have cut the budget in half. It's not fair that the original series which was such drivel ran for 7 seasons. Because there was little else on back then it was able to survive. Twenty years later if you aren't a big hit right away you are done, there's no chance of coming back. It doesn't matter that some of the best shows of all time like All in the Family and M*A*S*H weren't hits at all when they started. It took time, reruns and word of mouth. I was glad Malcolm's first TV series, Pearl, was cancelled because it was just damn awful and unwatchable, but I'm still bitter about this one not given a chance. I liked it when it first aired and when I watched them all again in a marathon in 2006 I liked it even more. It got better with age. It was just so well done you couldn't help being impressed when everything went right. Out of 13 episodes I would say only 3 were truly bad. The rest were either pretty good or excellent, that's a good track record to go down in history.

Rating: 5/10

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